Transitioning Through Parenting Stages Is Challenging, and a Parent Coach Can Help

Not only do children go through developmental stages, parents also go through some distinct stages where their sense of themselves alters and their role requires a shift:  These include becoming a parent for the first time, sending a child to Kindergarten, having a young adolescent, and sending their kid off to college/having a young adult.  

Becoming a parent

When I switched from teaching to coaching and parent education, one of the first curriculums I wrote was called Transition to Parenthood.  Its purpose was to help brand-new and expectant parents make the shift from being a couple to being a family.  This is essentially the shift from having the luxury of always thinking of yourself first to always thinking of another first.  And yes, I know that when you are in a relationship, you have your partner to think of, but, honestly, at the end of the day, that person is an adult:  They can take care of themselves.  

With a child, it is completely different. Your child is 100% dependent on you.  The buck stops with you. Period.

I remember taking my daughter to her first appointment outside the hospital.  She was one week old and as a brand-new “patient,” there was a lot of paperwork to complete.  I got to the end of the form, and there was a line for parent’s signature.  I panicked.  But my mother isn’t here! How will she be able to sign the form? How am I going to get my baby the care she needs if my mom doesn’t sign the form?!

Of course, my very next thought was Oh. My. God.  I’m the parent!  They are waiting for my signature on that line!  My baby was a week old, and it was finally hitting me:  The. Buck. Stops. With. Me. 

With that realization, if you are lucky, you settle down into parenting your little child and all that entails.  

Even so, unless you live near a lot of extended family you get along well with, this is a great time to invest in a parenting coach.  There is so much to learn, and you are setting the foundations for the next twenty years of parenting.

The Transition to Kindergarten

I didn’t think I was going to be one of those parents who got all emotional about my kid going to kindergarten.

Luckily, my kid was going to kindergarten at the same school where she went to nursery school.  No big deal, I thought.

And yet, it was a big deal.  Less so for my daughter than for me.  

For me, I realized this is a whole new stage.  She is embarking on her educational journey.  The interactions she has now—with her teachers, with her classmates—are going to shape her in ways that I have very little control over.  Scary!

I was also sad.  Instinctively, I knew I was going to miss the closeness, the connection, her dependence on me.  I loved being the center of my child’s universe, and it was hard to let go of that stage, even as I was proud of the way she was expanding her world, competently mastering new skills every day.

I call the shift to adolescence the “Where Did My Sweet Baby Go?” stage.

In elementary school, your child might not be quite as cuddly and looking to you for reassurance, but at least they are not actively pushing you away! 

Next to becoming a parent for the first time, there is no greater shock than adolescents rearing their hairy heads.

I can’t tell you how many parents of nine- and even ten-year-olds have said, “I’m not worried about middle school. My son and I have the best relationship.  He’s my little buddy!”  Then, a year or two later, they are coming to me distraught, afraid of the alien who now inhabits their child’s body.  

This is the stage you find yourself screaming in rage—furious and, at the same time, so hurt by your child’s rejection, their cruelty, that you might find yourself like one client of mine sobbing on the floor of your closet.  

This is the stage where your children use all the knowledge they have been gathering about you since birth to expose your every weakness, your every vulnerability.  It’s like being locked in a room with your worst enemy.

And then five minutes later, your child is sunshine and lollipops.  Laughing.  Teasing good-naturedly. Excited about something.  

For a nanosecond.  Before they pull their hoody up and slip in their earbuds, only to ignore you completely. 

And then the parent coaches come along and tell you not to get on the roller coaster with your kid!!  How in the world are you supposed to do that?!

(Yes, a good parenting coach can support you in standing on the platform below while your kids ride out their ups and downs. This is another time where investing in a coach will really set you up for success for the second part of your parenting journey.)

For me, the most heartbreaking stage is the transition to college.

After the turbulence of middle school, I loved having high schoolers.  

They have settled down into themselves a lot.  The highs and lows begin to even out.  They find friends and activities they really like and take responsibility for their own school work. 

At the same time, they are getting to be super interesting people with interesting ideas.  Going places with them is an adventure where there is space for them to be the leader.

And then, all of a sudden, it is over.

You are dropping them off at college, and that’s it.

You are done with the day-to-day parenting.  

The most important work you will ever do is now taking a major shift. 

I felt like I was being fired from the best job ever.  Or at the very least demoted. 

I cried buckets and drifted around my house aimlessly, feeling like my right arm had been cut off.

Parenting your adult kids

Yes, you never stop being a parent.

But if you are respectful of your child as a human being, you will take a big sidestep and remind yourself over and over, this person is an adult who gets to make her own decisions, her own mistakes. 

If you have done things right and have successfully navigated the shift from being the Captain of the Ship to being your child’s Wise Guide, you will still be an anchor for your emerging adult.  Your kids will still come to you to ask your opinion.  But at the end of the day, you have to accept they are going to make their own decisions.  

I am so proud of the adults my children have become and the way they are living their lives fully and independently.  And it is great having a household of adults who all chip in and take responsibility for making things happen when they come to visit.  

And still, I think longingly of all the precious hours—bathtime, bedtime stories, trips to the park.

If you are feeling intense emotions about your role as a parent, no matter what stage you are in, a parenting coach can really help.  

My clients tell me that knowing they are going to be able to come and dump all their parenting highs and lows in their coaching sessions allows them to get through the week with more calm and equanimity.  They have a safe place to be real about how hard, how affecting the reality of being a parent is.

Is that the kind of support you could use?  

Of course, we will address practical issues of how to create more peace, harmony, and flow in your household.  But perhaps the most important help you need is to be braced from the side.  

I sometimes think of myself as the flying buttresses a parent needs to thrive! 

Sign up today for a complimentary Getting to Know You call, and let’s talk about where you could feel less anxiety, less guilt, and less overwhelm.