Cross Cultural Parenting

Getting lots of my clients from Silicon Valley, you can imagine the variety of cultures represented in my practice.  

Many of my clients first came to the United States as adults, sometimes for graduate school, but often for a job.  Some of them brought their young children with them; some had their children in the United States.

But here’s the truth:  If your child enters preschool or Kindergarten in the United States, you are raising an American.  At the very least a hybrid child.

It is only natural, that you will have some cultural crashes with your children.  

Even for Americans coming from a different part of the country, California can provide some cross-cultural differences.

And every parent crosses a generational divide, even more so as statistically we come to parenting at older and older ages.  

Of course, you can keep—and should keep—traditions and practices unique to the family you grew up in.  

At the same time, keep in mind how powerful an effect media is having on a child—even if it is kiddy videos and songs. In the background at home, your child is hearing American news.  At the playground, your child is hearing American parents and kids interact.  At preschool, your child is being read stories about kids who are bold and independent—maybe even a bit sassy to their parents. 

All this means that your child is being taught about what is an “acceptable” way for children to act.  I’m not saying it is the right way or even the better way. But if you are living in the United States and interacting with the world, it is what your children are learning. 

Even if you speak your own language at home, studies show that children gravitate towards the dominant language and culture that they are being raised in.  All people understand instinctively that to survive means to belong, and belonging comes from conforming to cultural norms.

In a world where there are few guiding principles, all parents have to focus in on their own key values, so they have a consistent filter through which to make parenting decisions.  Prioritizing your values is even more important if your values are different than the cultural norms where you are raising your child.

You will need to spend more time explaining your values to your children and putting them into action.  

Let’s say, for example, that you come from a culture where spending time with the extended family is very important.  As your child approaches her tweens and teens, she will likely become more and more vocal about wanting to spend time with her friends on Saturday afternoon rather than driving an hour to hang out with her cousins.  If you just insist that she do it without discussion, you’re likely to get a lot of pushback and resentment.

 If on the other hand, you talk a lot about how meaningful it has been to you to have your family nearby (how much you rely on them for both emotional and physical support and how it makes life easier knowing you have people at hand you can always call on no matter what, how friends come and go but family stays, etc.), it will be easier for your child to accept why you are asking it of her.

It doesn’t mean she won’t ask for exceptions—for times when she goes with her friends to the mall, instead.  And, honestly, if it were me, I would grant her some of those exceptions because she has to return on Monday to an American school where she’s going to feel left out or that she has missed something important in the group.  Her friends will naturally stop extending invitations because they will assume that she won’t be free to come.  

Yes, at the end of the day, family will be around longer than friends.  But the school day is long, so we need to ask ourselves how we can bring some balance and flexibility into our cross-cultural parenting.  

I’d love to hear your cross-cultural parenting stories!  Just email me here.  

And if you are struggling with how to allow space for both cultures, let’s do a Getting to Know You Call and see if I can be of service.