Navigating Adolescence: Embracing Relationship-Centric Parenting

You would think that as a middle school teacher, I would have been telling parents to make sure they help their children get homework done. You would think I would have them prioritize that over getting to bed on time or over a family outing.

No.

My advice to parents is to always put your relationship with your child first.

I say that because there is nothing more precious.

A solid relationship with you, their parent, is the source of all the goodness in their lives. It is the source of their safety and security, their confidence and certainty. Even as they pull away and assert their independence as teens, knowing that you are

still there in their corner

pulling for them

keeping an eye on them

and being the guard rails where they are needed,

is part of what helps them go boldly out into the world.

That’s true even if they never say it to your face. In fact, you may have to wait until they are young adults before you hear their appreciation.

One way to protect your relationship with your child is to steadfastly keep the faith that no matter where they are in their development right now—whether that is social, emotional or academic—you know 100% that over time they will get the skills they need for happiness and success.

Be their shining beacon of hope, their lighthouse in the storm of adolescence.

While you may not love their outbursts or moodiness or disobedience, you understand that they are in process and that together you will find a way of helping them to do better next time.

You show up without blame.

You show up without shame.

Sure, you’ll get frustrated. After all, you are only human.

But as long as your frustration is about the situation (getting late out the door) and not solely directed at the child, you’ll be able to circle back and find a constructive solution for similar situations.

Parents who can show up present with love in the face of swearing or door slamming, help their teens reconnect to themselves.

Believe me. Your child does not want to behave badly.

At the moment, they cannot do any better.

You can work out a logical consequence tomorrow.

So, put aside the homework, let bedtime slide, and overlook the undone chores.

Sit quietly, gaze lovingly, and give out big hugs when they’ll let you.

When they have calmed down and have access to their pre-frontal cortex again, then you can engage in some joint problem-solving.

If you don’t see the goodness in them even when they can’t, who will?

Don’t worry about your child’s homework. They’ll get what they need eventually.

Yes, try to keep sleep consistent, but if they don’t open up to you until you are sitting on the side of their bed and the lights are off, then prioritize the relationship.

You might want to post somewhere public the mantra, “Relationship first; Problem-solving second.

Some of you will struggle with this idea.

That’s okay. You are in process. It will get easier and easier for you to trust you have more influence over a child who feels connected and who sees you as their guide and not their enemy.

You’ve got this!