Do Your Kids Listen to You?
Try the Sustained Connect
Too often we have kids that don't listen because we have trained them not to listen! We do that by making a request of them without following through. In that way, by the time our children are tweens or teens, they have a honed sense of how seriously they have to listen. They know you don't really mean it until you get loud or mad.
Instead, learn The S-U-S-T-A-I-N-E-D Connect to teach your kids to follow through (Now, please!) without you ever having to raise your voice or sharpen your tone.
One bad habit that parents fall into that keeps them nagging and yelling at their kids and keeps their kids from cooperating, is Saying the Same Thing Twice.
Parents tell their children, “It’s bedtime. Go put on your p.j.’s, please.” When they don’t do it, the parent repeats, “Hey, it’s bedtime. P.J.’s!” Two minutes later with an edgy tone, they whine (yes, parents whine!), “why aren’t you putting on your p.j.’s? I told you it is time for bed.” Finally, they yell, “You don’t listen! You go get ready for bed this instant!”
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN PARENTS REPEAT THE SAME MESSAGE OVER AND OVER?
The parental request goes in one ear and out the other. Their talking becomes background music to the child’s internal world. It is just white noise—a part of the atmosphere, but not something to pay attention to.
Why does this happen?
Because the parent doesn’t back up his request with clear action.
And here's the hard truth! Much of the time when the parent makes that first request, he doesn’t actually expect his child to comply.
Let me tell you a story as an example.
Did you ever listen to that old radio program A Prairie Home Companion when Garrison Keillor was the host? Keillor was a great observer of people and in his stories and songs captured human nature in a humorous way.
He once did a skit called the Minnesota Good-bye, making mild fun of how Minnesotan politeness means that a simple good-bye is anything but simple.
In the skit, Keillor is at a dinner party. He pushes his chair back to say that while the evening has been lovely, it really is time he hits the road. His host protests that he cannot possibly leave without one more piece of pie. Unable to resist the pressure, Keillor sits down and has another piece of pie. At his next attempt to leave, the host insists that he not go without a bag of leftovers, so off Keillor and host traipse to pack up a week’s worth of hot dish and Jello salad. Finally, Keillor gets out the door and, even then, the host follows him to the car and is still talking as Keillor eases into drive and pulls away mid-sentence.
Now imagine if Garrison Keillor had a child in this situation!
It might go something like this:
Dad: “Janie. Time to put your shoes on. We’ve got to get going”
Daughter looks up and sees Dad eating more pie. She goes back to playing.
Dad: “Janie, I told you. Time to go.”
Daughter watches as Dad goes into the kitchen to pack leftovers.
Dad [angry]: “This is the third time I’ve told you to get your shoes on!”
But why should Janie get ready?
Dad has not aligned his actions with what he is saying.
In fact, he is training his daughter NOT to listen to him.
Think about it.
When a parent talks to his children from across the room without first getting their attention, the kids haven’t really heard them. Parents call their name but do not wait to make sure they have their children’s attention.
When Mom then says, “I’m sick and tired of telling you things three times,” that’s not fair. It really isn’t. Just because Mom said something out loud, does not mean that the kid heard.
Now the kid will feel falsely accused. A “fight” kid might argue, “You did not tell me three times!” Now the parent feels like the kid is talking back rudely and gets even angrier. The “flight” kid gets sullen and maybe even passive-aggressive. (And what better way to get back at your parent than to passively-aggressively pretend not to hear?)
Either way, the parent has not gotten the cooperation she needs. The more she repeats Saying the Same Thing Twice, the more her communications will be ignored.
That probably means that Mom will get angrier and her own behavior will escalate—sometimes until she is the one who is out of control.
Before long, a loving relationship can turn toxic.
What does a loving parent need to do instead?
Fortunately, teaching your kids to listen to you—and listen to you the first time you ask them to do something—is not actually that hard.
All you need is THE SUSTAINED CONNECT.
When you need your child to do something you always go to the child, you don't call from the kitchen or from the other side of the room. It is more effective if you connect with your child.
Instead of calling from the other side of the room, “hey, put your shoes on please!”
Step 1: Go to your child and make physical contact
Look up at him or her, it’s okay to get down to their level and be looking up at them. They are used to you hovering up above them, but by you coming down and looking up you are going to be more aligned with their vision especially if they are sitting down and looking at something.
Place a hand on their shoulder, knee, or their hand, and make calm physical contact.
Step 2: Don’t move until they have refocused their attention on you
Just wait and keep calm and sustain your connection until they make that shift away from whatever it is. You can invite them to look at you, and when they do smile at them lovingly.
Most kids will stop what they're doing and they'll look at you and they'll realize that you're just sitting there with your Zen energy and they will shift what they are doing.
If they're absolutely absorbed in something like a book, their blocks, or their tablet, I give you permission to gently put your hand over whatever it is they're doing and then just continue to look at them with all the love in the world but ALSO the sense of “my dear darling child I can outwait you on this game, and I'm not going to repeat myself twice.”
Why does this technique work?
It works because it's respectful and because the physical connection and the loving gaze help your child feel seen, heard, and connected.
When your energy is calm and controlled, things won’t escalate in a negative way. Your body language is saying “I am going to follow through until you do what I ask.” Without your tone having to get louder or more threatening. Your body language is telling the child “I mean what I say.”
Let’s go over the steps:
Go over to your child and make physical contact
Get your eyes in line with their eyes,
Make your request (“get your shoes on so we can go to the park, please”)
And then just wait . . . calmly put your hand over whatever it is that is taking their focus
Its clarity both in yourself and in the way that you communicate it, that gives kids a sense of “Okay, I have to do it now.” It doesn't mean that they won't try to argue with you, kids love to negotiate!
They might say: “I have 2 pages until the end of my chapter, can I just finish?” If I were you I would just look at them lovingly and just say, “Nope, it’s bedtime.” You have to be careful about allowing them to bargain with you. Sometimes it’s completely okay and you can let them have those extra minutes because it’s the weekend or whatever the situation might be, but other times bargaining simply trains them to bargain some more.
Important note:
Before you make requests, especially if the child has to transition away from what they are doing, giving them a 10-minute warning in the same steps above and waiting for an acknowledgment that they heard and understood will also improve compliance because they know it is coming and they can start mentally preparing for it.
Give it a try and let me know how it goes!
If you would like to see a video about how the S-U-S-T-A-I-N-E-D Connect works click below: