5 Tips for Managing Parenting Stress with Your Partner

So many of the parents who seek me out are like Sharon and Curtis, parents to four-year-old and six-year-old boys. Curtis first reached out to me because Sharon had given him an ultimatum: Get some parenting help or we’re done. When Curtis explained to me what was up, my heart sank. As an experienced parenting coach, I know that usually by the time one spouse has given another spouse a clear signal that things better change and change fast, it is very hard for couples to realign themselves. Though Curtis had intended to hire me just for himself, I insisted that I speak to Sharon before I said yes.

After listening to Sharon and her complaints for a while, I told Sharon if she was willing to hear where she might be too fixed in her parenting views, I would be willing to work with Curtis to help him expand his views. She reluctantly agreed to work together with Curtis and me a try.

1. Know your parenting styles

In our very first session, I drew a graph of parenting styles and explained the differences between neglectful, permissive, authoritarian and authoritative styles. I explained that one simple way to think of parenting styles is as a continuum where one end represents permissive parenting—characterized by high warmth but low expectations—and the other end represents authoritarian parenting—characterized by high expectations but low warmth. In between lies authoritative parenting, which strives to find a balance of warmth and expectations.

Right away Curtis and Sharon recognized that he was the permissive parent, the softie, and she was the authoritarian parent, or as Sharon liked to say, “The Bad Cop.”

Sharon shared a story of coming home to find Curtis rolling around on the floor with Elijah, their younger son, while Angelo was jumping on the couch. Sharon screamed, “What is going on here!?” and then lit into Curtis for letting Angelo destroy the furniture, for getting Elijah all riled up, and for not getting Angelo to do his homework, leaving it on her shoulders—once again.

Sharon was angry. She felt so let down and put upon. She was tired after a hard day’s work and instead of being able to get dinner started, she now knew she was going to have to wrangle Angelo to sit at the table and do homework and calm Elijah down, so he could go take his bath.

Curtis was angry at Sharon for yelling at him. Sharon was always telling him he needed to connect more with the boys, and now we was getting yelled at—in front of his boys—for playing with them, being accused of always being the Good Time Dad.

2. Recognize the value in the other person’s style

My question for Sharon was, “What value did your kids get from the way Curtis handled them this afternoon?” Grudgingly she admitted that she knew the boys didn’t get enough playtime. Plus, she often felt guilty that all her interactions with the boys were so negative. She knew that most of the time it was nothing but commands and criticisms coming out of her mouth. She just didn’t know what to do instead.

At this point, after promising her that I would teach her step-by-step how to be a balanced, authoritative parent, I asked if I might do a little parent education around this scene. I explained that very often we are parenting with someone whose style is different than ours. The trick is rather than judging your partner and finding them wanting to consider what they bring to the parenting equation. Curtis was fulfilling a natural desire to enjoy his kids—and roughhousing is a great way for kids to relieve stress. Sharon was keeping the big picture in mind: She knows that the boys are much more likely to go to bed on time if Angelo has finished his homework, and Elijah has already had his bath before dinner. Sharon brings planning and stability to her parenting.

Here’s what Shannon and Curtis were not recognizing: There is room for each parent’s style and advantages to each.

Even among authoritative parents, most parents default towards permissive or authoritarian styles under stress.

If you are not sure of your style, ask yourself, when push comes to shove and you are backed into a corner, do you figure that saying yes is not that big of a deal or do you insist your children do something because you’re the parent and you said so?

Reflecting on your thinking, your underlying values and messages helps you to be a more conscious person, and that is something a parenting coach can guide you through. For example, let’s say that you find yourself giving into your children a lot. On the one hand you might feel guilty and worried that they are having too much sugar or screen time; on the other hand, you let them have it because you place your kids feeling loved and connected to you as more important than their physical health. Or maybe you are the parent who is 100%consistent about brushing your toddler’s teeth after her last cup of milk—even if she is fighting you on it—because you place her physical health above her happiness with you at the moment. You are likely a person who values safety and predictability; you take action today to have some control over tomorrow.

Here’s the key idea to remember: Both stances have value. You are right to sometimes not sweat the small stuff: At the end of the day, your relationship with your child is more valuable than any issue. You are also right to be willing to follow through on the hard stuff: Being clear and consistent helps children to know where their boundaries are, adding to their sense of security.

3. Use Active Listening to get to your partner’s core concern

The first practice I focused on with Curtis and Sharon was not how to interact with their children effectively but, even more importantly, how to be an effective parenting team. Being a united parenting front requires you and your parenting partner to look underneath the surface behavior: What is the true motivation behind their parenting choices? Often the more relevant question is what their true fear is.

I asked Curtis, “What makes it hard for you to support the boys in their daily routines like homework and baths? Curtis shared how sad it made him that his boys had to stay in childcare until evening. He remembered coming home from school by 3 pm, grabbing a snack, and his mother shoeing him outside to go play. Even when he was little, he loved taking part in kickball or sitting on the swing watching the big kids ride their skateboards up and down the street. Curtis felt like wherever possible, he and Sharon should prioritize giving the boys the sense of joy and freedom he used to have as a youngster.

Sharon also remembered playing out on the street, but her memory of her single mother coming home routinely with no plan for dinner caused her a lot of angst as a child, and she didn’t ever want her kids worrying about whether they were going to get a nice meal. To Sharon, “a nice evening” was defined by things proceeding calmly, smoothly, and predictably.

With active listening—recapping each other’s views without making any attempt to make the other person wrong and then thanking each other for sharing--Curtis and Sharon were able to appreciate each other’s views more and more.

4. Have regular times to meet

Of course, active listening takes time. Talking about things once is not going to remove the months (or even years) of frustration and resentment that have built up from feeling like your parenting partner has let you down.

If you are going to understand your partner’s concerns, you are going to have to listen over and over. Each time that you are listened to, you will feel more and more seen, heard, understood, and appreciated. When we feel our partner’s pain and hear their hopes and dreams, we are much more likely to strive to meet them halfway when it comes to how to interact with the kids.

I highly recommend that parents find at least 10 minutes a day to slow down and share their wants and needs when it comes to parenting. Parents can ask each other, What is something you felt proud of today as a parent? Or What is something you wish you had done differently with the kids today? Taking the time to answer questions like this invite your parenting partner to show up for you empathetically. Bit by bit, as you are parenting, you will be more likely to ask, how would my parenting partner handle this? What would my spouse do? This shift will have you stepping towards your partner’s style more and more.

5. Use a parenting coach before things get too bad

The good news for Curtis and Sharon is that they got help in time. They were able to develop a balance between spontaneity and fun on the one hand and creating more flow by sticking to routines, on the other hand. As each stepped towards the other’s style, each grew as a parent: Curtis became more of a leader that his boys looked to with respect, and Sharon had more freedom to cuddle and snuggle and enjoy her boys without feeling the household was going to fall apart.

Sadly, I have had clients who don’t reach out to a parent coach until they are so entrenched in their positions they are unable to give their parenting partner any credit. I can help them work through a compromise for a given situation, but the relationship is already too corrosive for them to be able to model future negotiations on the work they did with me. That makes building trust too big an obstacle. The purpose of parenting coaching is not teeth-clenched meditation; it is to teach parents the skills they need and the opportunities to practice those skills so that they can experience the joy of parenting and so their children can thrive.

Are you stressed out because of constantly feeling out of sync with your parenting partner?

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