Understanding the Parenting Coaching Process: A Step-by-Step Guide
You may be wondering whether a parenting coach is what your family needs.
First, let’s talk about why we have parenting coaches today, when we never did before.
Historically, even as adults, we have lived near our parents, siblings and cousins. When we had parenting struggles, we also were surrounded by a host of people we trusted. Furthermore, we tended to gather in homogeneous neighborhoods, communities and uniting cultural institutions, like a common church or temple or the Italian (or Irish or Swedish) American Association. We also were more likely to have grown up babysitting, lifeguarding or scooping ice cream, giving us micro experiences with kids of different ages.
Today I talk to parents who live across the country or around the world from their extended families; they live in multicultural communities where their neighbors had a completely different upbringing than what they had; and, in many cases, they are coming to parenting without having even ever held a newborn baby. Additionally, both parents are often working, leaving them with little time—or a trusted colleague—to turn to for parenting advice, and it’s no surprise that professional parenting coaches have stepped in to fill the gap.
Second, let’s acknowledge that we expect much more of parents today than we used to.
When I was growing up, my mother used to say, “Go outside and play, and unless there is blood, I don’t want to see you.” In today’s world she would probably have Child Protective Services called on her.
The standard for good parenting used to be something like raise a good citizen who helps little old ladies across the street and who do reasonably well in school. Because there were many more jobs which afforded a middle-class life—the ability to buy a nice car, a house and to take your family on vacation every year—parents were not so anxious about their children’s futures.
For a variety of sociological reasons, parents now feel a certain desperation to push their children to excel. This pressure starts when their children are young and only continues to grow as parents do all they can to ensure their children launch successfully.
Third, let’s look at how the rapid technological changes parents currently must deal with has made parenting much harder.
From a very young age, through their devices kids are being exposed to a world where kids question—and often even make fun of—the adults in their lives. In lots of shows parents are portrayed as the tech dinosaurs who have to rely on their tech-savvy kids to access the television or run Alexa. We no longer live in a Father Knows Best world. Kids now know about the wrong and even evil things adults do. That means that they are less likely to accept the authority of a teacher, coach, policeman or even you in the way they used to. The breakdown of the patriarchy means telling your kids, “Because I said so,” doesn’t work effectively.
For all these reasons, parents are turning to parenting coaches to not only get peace and cooperation from their kids but also to be sure they are optimizing what they can be doing to assure their kids thrive at their highest levels.
So, what can you expect when working with a parenting coach?
Of course, each parenting coach has her (assume his/their, as well, going forward) way of doing things, but many of the parenting coaches I network with work much the same way I do.
I start with a Getting to Know You call.
This call is complimentary for two reasons:
1. Talking to someone about your parenting is very vulnerable. I don’t want money to keep you from seeing if we are a good fit.
2. Not every client is a good fit for me, and I only discover that in the middle of a paid session, I am out of integrity with the value I seek to bring.
In the Getting to Know You call, you share with me where you are with your parenting right now and where you want to be. You paint a picture for me of what your home life is like, focusing on whatever problems or interactions with your child have you the most concerned. Based on what you tell me, if I think I can be of optimal service to your family, I share with you about my programs. If, on the other hand, I know I am not a good fit for you, we brainstorm other resources or paths you might explore.
Parents with very focused, short-term problems sign up for The Quick-Fix package.
The Quick Fix Package is a 90-minute session where I hear more about your situation in depth and, together, we brainstorm a handful of ideas of how to address the issue.
A Quick Fix topic might be something like finding ways to encourage a child who wants to quit piano to keep going even though she isn’t sure she wants to do it anymore.
In addressing this problem, we would first identify what’s important about piano to the parents, how is playing the piano in line with the family’s values and goals. Second, we might consider in what ways playing piano has given the child joy and satisfaction in the past. Third, we might brainstorm ways to reinstate that joy and satisfaction. That might include ideas like giving the child more freedom and flexibility about when and what she practices. She might like to break up her practice sessions more or do them at a different time of day. She might like to pick out more of her pieces herself. Especially as students approach middle school they become very self-conscious, and it is having to perform for a public recital that has them wanting to quit.
At the end of the session, parents leave with practical strategies to try and the reassurance that they can follow up with me through up to three post-session emails.
Parents with more systemic problems sign up for my Six-Month or Three-Month Package
Many parents come to me with a laundry list of problems. These might include:
• helping kids manage anxiety
• reducing their kids’ extreme outbursts
• getting through morning and evening routines peacefully
• building independence even in kids with an ASD or ADHD diagnosis
• knowing when to be firm and when to let things go
• motivating kids who are underperforming
• connecting more effectively with kids who are pushing back
• becoming a united parenting team
When parents have multiple areas they wish to improve, they need the commitment of a longer chunk of time because while I can teach parents the broad outlines of effective parenting quickly, the challenge lies both in applying the best practices to your specific child and in supporting you in being consistent in your new parenting behaviors.
Throughout a series of sessions, parents add tools to their tool belt and become more consistent about using them.
Parenting coaching sessions typically run the same way from week to week.
At Joyful Parenting Coaching the sessions are 60 minutes long, mostly done via Zoom.
At the end of a session, I give each parent homework—some action they are going to take or perhaps some focus they are going to reflect on daily.
At the beginning of the next session, after sharing wins, we go over the homework looking for new ah ha’s or skills improved.
In the middle part of the session, parents present a new problem or an example from the week of an ongoing problem. Parents provide details of the problem in action which we then break down into its parts. It is a little bit like watching the replay of a football game. We slow down and ask what could you have done here? What might have worked better there?
Going over a sticky situation from the week before brings up parenting skills that I present and teach for parents to use next time.
From the parent education I do, and from the plans we brainstorm together, parents commit to what homework they are willing to do before the next (roughly) weekly session.
How does the household and how do parents feel different by the end of a package?
Through developing a relationship with a coach over time, parents become much clearer on their values and priorities. Because they use those values and priorities in their day-to-day parenting decisions, they are more in line with their authentic parenting selves. That’s powerful: kids can tell when their parents really mean business and knowing their parents are leading the family confidently, kids are able to relax and are less vigilant and less anxious. Because parents are more skilled at planning ahead, knowing what to say to get cooperation and staying calm when their children get upset, they experience more joy and ease in their parenting. They can see their children are thriving, and the household is characterized by more flow and harmony.
My Coach on Call package provides ongoing support.
Parents who complete the 3-month or 6-month program are eligible for my Coach on Call package. That’s six hours of coaching that never expires, so parents can use them as issues come up. They can sign up for a 30-minute or 60-minute session—or even an emergency 15-minute phone call.
The Coach on Call package gives good parents the opportunity to be proactive and stay on top of their game. Many parents use it similarly to a well-child checkup with the pediatrician to check that everything is on track with their kids.
Are you ready to explore whether parenting coaching is right for your family?
Call 650.248.8916 or sign up today for a complimentary Getting to Know You Call.
It would be my great honor to serve you.