How Working with a Parenting Coach Aids in Encouraging Healthy Screen Time Habits
Ninety percent of the clients I work with bring up kids being on their screens as one of the issues they struggle with as parents. Our devices have definitely made parenting harder. Screens aren’t going away, so we have to learn how to support our kids in having a healthy relationship with their electronics.
One area parenting coaching can really help when it comes to screens is helping you to identify your children’s personalities and learning styles.
When it comes to deciding how much screen time is too much, there is no one-size-fits-all answer. Some kids can handle their screens without much adult direction: They go to their screens when they need something, but they do not obsessively check their accounts. They enjoy texting or playing a game on their phone, but when you invite them to do something “in the real world,” they are quick to put their phone down and join you.
If you have a child like that, you can guess that her basic personality is more like that of a Mac truck. She is easygoing, has a steady disposition and doesn’t get easily upset with things. True, she might be a bit oblivious to the undercurrents in the room and, at the same time, she can probably handle fairly high amounts of chaos and stimulation without becoming unregulated herself.
If your child is more like a Ferrari, they are a finely tuned machine. When all is in alignment (he’s had enough sleep, rest, exercise, and healthy food), he is a high performer—insightful, sensitive, and emotionally perceptive. When he is not properly fueled up, however, he is easily shaken off-course: he gets swamped easily, he absorbs all the emotions in the room, and he cannot let go of what he thought the plan was.
Your Mac truck kids will be able to get off their devices relatively easily. Being less intense, they are less fully absorbed by whatever is on their screen. They keep one foot in the concrete world.
With their rich imaginations and ability to focus, your Ferrari kids will find it very difficult to reenter the real world. They will be so fully absorbed by whatever they are working on, they will have no awareness of you and their concrete bodily demands (like hunger). When you interrupt their work or their gameplay, it will feel like a slap in the face to them. Meltdowns and tantrums are a typical reaction to what is for them a rude awakening.
Most kids cannot pull themselves away from their screens by themselves; they need adult help.
If your child is flexible and low-keyed about screen time, you can be flexible and low-keyed about limits. If your child clings desperately to her screen and vehemently argues her need for more, you need to be much more vigilant, consistent, and structured about screen time.
The older your Ferrari child is, the more I recommend working out specific limits and writing them down.
Start with researched information about the effects of screen time on vulnerable brains. Share information with your child. Help your Ferrari children understand that your goal is to help them understand themselves and find what is optimal for them. You can conduct it as an experiment: Ask your children to self-assess how they feel at multiple times during the day—especially after they have been on their screens. Note what they were doing on their screens and for how long.
Once you have some data on your specific child, look for what trends emerge: What kinds of games are easier for them to transition away from? What kind of games tend to lead to upset? What are their Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube viewing habits? Do different kinds of content have a different effect on them? Is it less a question of content and more a question of the time of day and how calm and rested their bodies are before they start?
The more your children look at the data and come to their own conclusions, the better equipped you will be as a team to make a recommendation for what is a reasonable amount of screen time. Treating the plan as an experiment with an end date (the next week or maybe two weeks) helps get buy-in, especially from independent, strong-willed, sensitive kids.
2. Before you start restricting your kids’ screen time, be sure to have built up lots of resources for what they can do instead.
Stanford University has a rule that at every gathering where there is alcohol, they must also serve an EANAB, or Equally Attractive Non-Alcoholic Beverage. They recognize that to provide a place for people to choose not to drink, it has to not feel like a punishment. You can be the designated driver because there are fabulous, fun mocktails. You can drink the mocktail and no one is the wiser, so there is no pressure to drink.
I apply this same idea to screens: If you are going to ask your children to be off their screens, what Equally Attractive Alternatives are you providing? Screens are so easy. They hook us in and reward us with a steady stream of dopamine. It is hard to go beyond the short-term hit of pleasure being on our screens provides.
We have to work harder to engage our kids in the kinds of traditional hobbies and activities that will likely ultimately give them more pleasure (not to mention self-esteem).
Start by listing as many Equally Attractive Alternative Activities as you can.
AI can be a big help in giving your family a ton of ideas for fun things to do when not on their screens. If you approach your kids with a long list (say 100 items) and ask them to identify ten they would be willing to try, you are much more likely to get their cooperation.
Of course, it may take some time, money and effort on your part to get your kids absorbed with an off-line activity. As a parenting coach, I have had multiple families tell me how worth it was to build up their kids’ interest in things outside of their screens.
Almost any kind of activity is effective, but I’d like to put in a special word for those activities that require children to use their hands. The more kinesthetic the activity is (ceramics, weaving, knitting, carpentry, baking bread, gardening, etc), the more it will help your children get grounded. Extra points for activities that take them outside into nature. Activities that have a product (a scrapbook, sewing your own clothing, building a model) give children bragging rights. Being the high scorer for a game is elusive at best. You may have bragging rights, but your dominance is always vulnerable to the next player who comes along. When you knit your dad a cap, every time your dad wears it, he can tell you how much he appreciates it.
Physical activity is also wonderful, but when kids are on a sports team—especially a competitive one—it can add to their stress levels. I know lots of kids who come in from team practice and reach for their devices as a way of helping them to calm down. Look for opportunities for physical activity to be unstructured as it can be more rejuvenating. Shooting baskets, bike riding or walking around the neighborhood after dinner are great examples.
3. One way to lower tension between parents and kids around screen time is to join them.
When we sit down with our kids, either to play with them or just to watch them as they masterfully build something or vanquish a foe, we are showing an interest in something they love. Watching your kids or playing with them is a great way to have a better understanding of the appeal of video games. It removes judgment and disapproval. Being on screens becomes more about sharing something that has value and less about parents imposing limits out of guilt or fear. Gaining first-hand experience with what your kids are doing online opens you to having open conversations about what being online means to your children. You can bring your curiosity and empathy, making it more likely that your children will accept your concerns about when too much is too much.
Especially when it comes to social media, navigating one account side by side can be an effective way to teach your child about the pluses and minuses of various apps. I liken it to kids learning to drive: At least in California, we don’t let our kids drive in a car by themselves until after they have spent 50 hours of in-car instruction with an adult. Imagine spending 50 hours “driving” through texting, messaging, posting and watching social media content together. Together you could experience how the algorithm works, you could gauge your kids’ reactions to different kinds of posts, you could help them respond constructively when they are teased or made fun of. In other words, hour by hour, you would help them become experienced, savvy social media consumers and creators.
Electronics are here to stay—and they provide many positive ways to learn, to connect with others, and to create. We don’t want to keep our kids off screens; we want to help them optimize the upside of their devices while minimizing the risks.
As a parenting coach, I help parents develop and stick to plans that help them shift how they approach issues that have typically created a lot of conflict and confusion at home.
Looking for more calm, fun and harmony at home? Let’s talk!
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