The Importance of Consistency in Parenting and How Coaches Can Help
I walked into my cousin Jennifer’s house one morning as she firmly reminded her kids that it was a school day, and they could have Cornflakes or oatmeal for breakfast. Her four-year-old Justin wailed that he wanted waffles. Jennifer said warmly, “I hear you! And on Saturday we will have waffles. On weekdays it’s cornflakes or oatmeal: Which would you like?” Without too much more fuss, Justin chose oatmeal with sliced strawberries.
I told Jennifer I was impressed with how easily he had accepted the weekday breakfast limit. Jennifer laughed ruefully and admitted that breakfast used to be a nightmare of her kids (especially Justin) changing his mind a million times about what to eat for breakfast.
On the weekends Jennifer could handle his changing his mind, but on school days, trying to be flexible made her tight, tense and likely to snap at her kids when she didn’t mean to. Weekday mornings had become much more peaceful since she instituted the hot/cold cereal rule.
As a parenting coach, that is exactly the advice I would have given her.
Consistency creates predictability--one of many reasons that consistency helps children psychologically, emotionally and with forming strong bonds with their parents
Children 0-5 are on an especially super steep learning curve. Every day they are building their knowledge of the world and how it works. That is exhausting.
Having some part of the day be predictable, helps children feel grounded and in control.
Many young children struggle with transitions—especially from and to the land of sleep. That is part of what makes mornings and evenings so challenging for parents.
When we set up a consistent routine for our kids, we take some of the guess work out of the day. Children know what to expect and, therefore, what to do. We create flow. This is especially important for kids who aren’t natural morning birds: Consistency allows them to go through the morning routine half-asleep.
A quick side note: consistency does not have to mean rigid adherence to a time-bound schedule. Usually, kids are more aware of the sequence of a routine rather than the exact time something happens.
Consistency lowers conflict.
There are so many places in the day where you have to introduce a change or something new—like a visit to the dentist or a trip to the post office. A child might fight against any one of these experiences. By creating consistent morning and evening routines, you give your child and yourself a start and a finish to the day where there is less uncertainty and less anxiety. That enables both of you to show up at your best.
Toddlers and preschoolers love to exert their independence; a consistent routine allows them to do so.
Nancy was having a hard time getting three-year-old Kate into the bath in the evenings.
Nancy shared that bathtime was such a challenge that she bathed Kate as seldom as possible—about every third but sometimes even fourth day.
I asked Nancy if she was willing to try an experiment: first, ask Kate what three things she could do to help make bathtime quicker and, second, consider bathing her every day rather than every third day.
Kate loved being consulted on the Bath Plan. She came up with
1. She could get out the bath toys
2. She could add the bath bomb
3. She could yell for mom when there was enough water in the tub.
Nancy talked up what a big responsibility it was to tell her when the water was high enough (They put a piece of duct tape to mark it) and how proud she was of her big girl for taking on this job. Every night before leaving the dinner table, Nancy would have Kate recite her steps of the Bath Plan.
Now, when Nancy announced it was time for a bath, Kate would run to enact her part. By having bathtime every night, the routine became a habit.
Instead of fighting at the end of every day, now Nancy and Kate worked in tandem towards bedtime.
Clear expectations that remain the same help children know where the boundaries and rules are, reducing confusion and frustration
Many parents tell me they hate having to bring their kids with them to the grocery store--that the entire trip is one argument after the next.
Arjun, a single father, contacted me after one trip to the market when all three of his girls ended up either in tears or yelling at him. What was supposed to be a quick in/out to get some milk and eggs for tomorrow’s breakfast, turned into a plea for cereal instead and then a long series of negotiations and fights about which cereal they should get, followed in the checkout line by whining and a full out tantrum (from the youngest) for candy and gum. When the girls accused Arjun of favoring the other, he felt guilty and miserable, torn between giving in just to have a pleasant evening and not buying three kinds of cereal the kids would only bicker over the rest of the week.
I told Arjun about my rules for going to the grocery store:
1. We buy only what is on the list
2. Unless Mom has sent you to go get something, have a hand on the cart
3. We get a cookie from the bakery that we can eat even if it is right before dinner time
4. If you see something you want that is not on the list, we’ll put it on the list to consider for next time.
Before going into the store, I would ask the kids, what are the Grocery Store Rules? My oldest was probably going into middle school when I stopped feeling the need to repeat the rules to set us up for success.
Knowing I was not going to budge from the rules, my kids didn’t bother to argue with me. If they whined about something, I would cheerfully put the request on the list to consider for next time. My rules were a combination of unyielding (buy only what is on the list) and empathetic (the store is full of desirable things that are really, really tempting and I want the right to ask for—and occasionally get—those things eventually).
The consistent rules definitely made my life easier, but they made the kids’ lives easier, too. Our children don’t want to fight with us. Knowing what they can expect helps them feel secure. When we say yes to something one week and no the next, that is confusing. It feels random and based on our mood rather than being based on a logical reason. Knowing they weren’t going to get something that wasn’t on the list, helped my children manage their feelings and desires. They knew they could trust me to stick to my rules, and that clarity allowed them to relax and follow the plan.
Consistent clarity supports better decision-making and problem-solving skills in children.
My client, Todd, started giving his kids regular allowance to give them opportunities to learn how to manage money. He set up a weekly rate that was reevaluated at the start of every school year.
Todd told the kids it was their money to spend how they wanted. House rules still applied (they were a no guns, not even water guns, family), but other than that the kids got to decide. Todd told them he was not giving advances on allowance, but they could do extra chores to earn more.
The week came when Todd’s daughter Isabel wanted a toy that was more than her allowance. She came and begged for Todd to lend her some money this week and then not give her allowance next week. Todd said no, she needed to earn the money first and that the toy would still be available when she had saved up.
But Isabel couldn’t wait. She wanted to buy something that week and started looking around for something she could afford. What she found was cheap and poorly made. Todd doubted Isabel was going to get very much enjoyment out of it. If he had been spending his money, he would have said no to buying something that was likely to break quickly. Still, he let Isabel spend her money on what she wanted.
Sure enough, Isabel’s new toy broke that very afternoon. Isabel was in tears and said it wasn’t fair. Todd comforted her and acknowledged how disappointing it is to buy something that might cost less but also be low value. He reminded her that if she wanted to do some extra chores, she might be able to save enough to buy the first toy she had wanted next week.
In the end, it took Isabel two more weeks to buy the more expensive toy. She was so proud, she asked both to Facetime with her grandmother and to take it to Show and Tell at school. The teacher sent a note saying Isabel’s show and tell really wasn’t about the toy—it was about how hard she worked to earn and to save so that she could buy it.
Todd’s clarity and consistency resulted in tears and disappointment in the short run and pride and confidence in the long run. From this experience on, Isabel began to see herself as someone who works to pay for value, because value is worth it.
Parenting coaching supports parents in establishing and implementing consistent rules and routines
Because each family is unique and because each family has different values and priorities, what those rules and routines look like won’t all be the same.
You need a plan that will work for you. You also need support working through your own blocks to success. When we make shifts as parents, we see big shifts in kids’ behaviors, and I can help with that.
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