Using a Parenting Coach to Support You in Times of Divorce

Divorce is one of the most emotionally challenging experiences a family can face. Amid the legal negotiations, emotional upheaval, and lifestyle adjustments, parents often struggle to maintain a stable environment for their children. It’s during these times that the guidance of a parenting coach can be invaluable. Parent coaching provides the tools and strategies needed to navigate the complexities of parenting during and after a divorce, offering both immediate support and long-term benefits.

Sometimes parents going through a divorce are sent to me via a court order. Other times divorce attorneys recommend their client seek the support of a parenting coach in order to improve their optics during the divorce process. My favorite clients are the parents who recognize that when you are parenting as a single parent, you don’t have anyone to bounce ideas off of and that makes things much harder. Even when your relationship is strained, while you are still living in the same house as your partner, parenting does not feel quite so lonely.

No matter how a client finds me, I am always especially happy to help parents going through a divorce. My daughter was two going on three when her father and I separated. My parents—and my in-laws—were still happily married. They could not imagine what I was going through. I was also the first friend in my social circle to go through a divorce. Even though I had a ton of experience with kids, this was new territory for me. How I wish I had had a parenting coach at my side!

Explaining Divorce to Your Kids: The First Hurdle

Whether or not you are seeking the divorce, it can be very tricky to know how to explain to your kids what is happening in an age-appropriate way.

For toddlers through lower elementary, very little explanation is needed. It might be as simple as “Mommy and Daddy will always love you and always be your parents, but they think they can be happier people living apart.” For your tweens and young teens, you might compare marriage to their friendships reminding them of someone they had been friends with who is now hanging out with different people and doing different things. With your teens, it will be more difficult. Your arguments with your partner will be harder to hide from older teens. Furthermore, teens have a more sophisticated understanding of relationships. At the same time, teens are very judgmental and are much less likely to forgive you if they see you as being in the wrong.

Whatever your child’s age, the most important message to drive home is “There is nothing you did to make us divorce. This is not about you; this is grown-up stuff. Divorce will not change how much we love and care about you. Not ever.”

You might want to print this out and tape it up to the inside of your medicine closet or tuck it inside your wallet. If you stick to this script, it will keep you from sharing details about or reasons for the divorce that even your older children really don’t need to know. If you are angry or sad or confused, that is what a parenting coach is for—to be there for you with an ever-patient, listening ear, even when you are falling apart. Share with your parenting coach the terrible things your partner has said or done, all the ways they have hurt you or let you down. Your children do not need to know that.

Preparing Your Kids for the Changes Coming Up

You know that expression, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure?” That is especially true when it comes to a big trauma like completely reorganizing the basic fabric of your kids’ lives.

The rule of thumb is the older the child, the more lead time you need. Yes, your teens will be more vocal and will push back more—and you might seek to avoid that—but the more advance notice you give your kids, the more time there will be to problem-solve and to get information. With teens, it might be good to have a central list of questions posted as they come up (Will we have to move? Will my friends be able to sleep over? Will both Mom and Dad be at my games?). Rather than trying to answer these questions, get curious: If we do have to move, what is most important to you? If your friends can’t sleep over for the whole night, how might you still get the essence of a sleepover? If both parents can’t make it to a game, what is the story you will tell yourself about that?

The younger your child, the less they can hold the concept of time in their heads. Announcing you are going to be living in two houses six months from now will probably produce a lot of anxiety without the accompanying reasoning and planning skills to address how everyone is going to deal with that.

With toddlers and preschoolers, try to tie big changes to events they already understand. For example, if you go to the library every third week, you might say, “This is the last time we are going to the library from this house; the next time we go to the library, we will already be living in the new house. Because they have the habit of going to the library, they will have some concept of how long that will be.

If you have kids with multiple ages and stages, a parenting coach can be key in helping you figure out how to balance their unique needs.

Accepting Your Kids Where They Are in the Process

No matter when you tell your children about the changes that are going to affect them, it is absolutely critical that you be patient and accepting of their reactions.

Your 12-year-old might scream “I hate you; you’re the worst parent ever.” Don’t be surprised at foul language and unfair insults. Do your best to just stay present and listen. Remember, it is much better for children to express their anger and sadness, their fears and anxieties. Be careful not to rush children through their feelings. Yes, they will feel better eventually. Yes, things will get easier. But giving lots of space and validation of where your children are right now will help much more in the long run.

You may feel guilty about “ruining” your children’s lives. That is understandable and is to be expected. Allow yourself to feel those feelings and, at the same time, begin to focus on what is going to get better. I found it useful to circle the same date in the calendar for the next couple of months and tell myself (and my daughter), “Next month on the 16th we are going to feel a little more comfortable living here; and the month after that, we will feel a little bit better than the month before.” This allowed me to acknowledge our sad and angry feelings while also being confident that this phase would eventually pass.

Co-parenting Peacefully Even When You Don’t Feel Peaceful

If ever there is a time to take the high road, now is the time. Your parenting partner might be 100% in the wrong, a total jerk, complete scum. But that person is still your child’s parent.

It is not until children start the individuation process of the early teen years that they can even begin to separate themselves from their parents. Anything you say about the other parent, your child will absorb as an attack on themselves.

If you cannot find anything nice to say about who your child’s parent is at present, share stories or pictures from a happier time. Say things like, “Your dad can type faster than anyone I know” or “Your mom was an ace tennis player with a killer serve.”

Know that every time you have a charitable or loving thought about your child’s parent, it is as if you are having a loving, charitable thought about your child.

I know this is not easy. I know every divorce has some measure of pain and regret. I also know that there are relationships where the level of abuse—physical, verbal or psychological—are so great that it will be a long time before you can be forgiving.

To protect your children’s identity and self-esteem, the more grace you can practice the better. A parenting coach can help with that. A coach can teach you what to say, how to say it and when to back off. A coach can help you sort out when you are letting your own hurt ego get in the way and when you are truly advocating for something for the good of your children.

Leaning Towards Thriving Not Just Surviving

Divorce is hard. It is also an opportunity for new growth that will benefit you the rest of your life. Use this time in your life to do a lot of work on yourself.

My husband’s affair was the catalyst for my divorce. Of course, an affair is a betrayal and is not to be taken lightly. At the same time, I don’t place all the blame for the breakup of the marriage on him. We both needed skills to strengthen our marriage. I needed to advocate for myself more. I needed to get more comfortable with conflict, instead of pulling the wool over my eyes.

Fortunately, I had superior support as I was going through my separation and divorce. I wish I could have done the work on myself while still in my marriage, but at the very least, all my personal growth allowed me to co-parent without bitterness and with respect. Happily, it also set me up for a good second marriage.

I have now been married to my second husband for twenty-five years. I treasure him, and our relationship continues to grow stronger and stronger. My life would not be where it is today without a coach at my side.

Let Me Be of Service

No matter where you are in your divorce process, now is the time to get help. I would be honored to work with you. Sign up today for a no-obligation Getting to Know You call to see if I am the right coach for you.