Using Parenting Coaching to Foster Independence in Children
Last fall Arjun and Parvathi came to me worried about their college freshman son Ramesh. Ramesh, who had graduated valedictorian from a Silicon Valley high school, was sleeping late, playing video games and even sports betting rather than regularly attending his UCLA classes. In short, he was using his newly minted freedom from parental oversight to do all the things he had not been allowed to do during high school.
Ramesh was being independent, but not in the way any parent would hope he was.
People come to a parenting coach to understand how overparenting can fail just as much as under parenting.
Arjun and Parvathi had poured years of effort into their son doing well. They had gotten him up in the morning early to drill him on what would be covered on the test, they had kept him up late to finish essays that were due, and they had sat down with him on Sunday afternoons to review the material that was going to be taught in the coming week.
In all this effort, however, they were being their son’s executive functioning brain: they were organizing his studies, managing his time and providing task initiation. They were like the trellis that a vine climbs: When the trellis was removed—when Ramesh did not have his parents telling him what to study and when—he fell down. Ramesh was more than smart enough to excel at college, but he did not have the internal motivation and drive to take advantage of a college education.
Maria Montessori said, “Never help a child with a task at which he feels he can succeed.” When a parent never does for the child what the child can do for himself, the parent fosters pride and ownership in their kid.
Arjun and Parvathi had done an excellent job of producing a top-performing student, but they had provided so much scaffolding around him, that when he had to attend to the business of school on his own, Ramesh had no personal drive to excel academically.
Building independence in our kids over time is critical because, otherwise, children do not feel connected to their success.
When I was a teacher, I used to cringe when parents would say things like, “We worked so hard on that project.” Comments like that told me that instead of leading the child with encouragement and help when the child got stuck, the parent had taken so much responsibility for getting the project done, the child felt he was just along for the ride.
When children get to middle school, parents often complain about their student’s lack of motivation.
I explain that parents have exercised tight control over their children’s school work during elementary school years, that the child does not see the work as their own. They have been the dutiful worker bee, doing exactly what their parent has told them to do while the parent has done any of the critical thinking or problem solving that the project demands.
Parenting coaching provides a personalized approach to address the specific needs of the family and each child’s unique needs.
Admittedly, it can be hard for parents to know how much help to provide. Every child learns in their own way and at their own pace. A parent cannot rely on a developmental chart to tell them what their child should be able to do at what age. For example, some two-year-olds can safely scamper up a climbing structure with little parental supervision. Other toddlers need a parent to stay close, pointing out gaps where the child can fall and reminding the child to hold on with both hands.
A parenting coach can help parents to understand their child’s learning style and needs. She can identify areas to encourage self-reliance and can help address the nuances of how much to allow a child to struggle.
A little challenge builds a child’s grit and determination; too much challenge is discouraging and demotivating.
On the whole, however, I find that parents often either underestimate what a child can attempt for themselves, or the parent is in too much of a hurry to allow the child to do things for themselves.
Parenting coaches can provide strategies for fostering independence
One of the key ways to think about developing independence in children is the power of the pause.
For example, instead of dressing your child like a doll, wait a moment for the child to act himself. Even a baby quickly learns to push his hand through the sleave when instead of pushing the baby’s hand through, the parent asks, where’s Baby’s hand? And then—when Baby has done it—exclaims with enthusiastic delight, there it is!
The parent of a toddler can hand over the pajama bottoms to put on herself. If the child does not figure out on her own that it is easier to sit down to put them on, after a while, rather than jumping in to finish the job, the parent can suggest that sitting down is one strategy for putting on pants easily.
There’s a good chance the toddler will put the pants on backwards. Let her figure out that the pants are less comfortable. Giving her body the chance to experience the discomfort will be a much better teacher than you pointing it out.
Look for increasing independence in every aspect of your child’s life
At every point, a parent can look to provide guidance, not solutions.
Moving out into the world to explore it and master it is a child’s natural inclination. Left on their own children will work to master their environment. The day will come when a toddler climbs out of her crib, or a preschooler goes to get his own breakfast.
Sure, there might be cereal and milk all over the place, but this is a moment to praise initiative and celebrate the success of his dragging the chair over to the counter so he can reach the cereal. You can support his independence by putting the cereal in a lower cupboard and in a smaller container. You can help him develop his pouring skills by giving him different size cups and make a game of pouring water from one to the other and back again.
Start with gently supporting your kids with handling their own self-care. When you start young, getting up in the morning, getting dressed, getting a simple breakfast, and brushing their teeth are tasks many five-year-olds can handle on their own. Neurodivergent kids may need more time and extra strategies—like you doing things alongside them or a check off list—before they can do it on their own. That’s okay. Just tackle one small goal at a time with lots of encouragement and the faith that they will learn to do it on their own someday.
Keep your long-term goal in mind and back plan.
I have a free resource called The Are You Raising an Adult Checklist. On it, I list 10 areas a child will have ideally mastered before you send them off to college or to their first job.
I ask parents to rate their children on each area on a scale of 1 to 10 as a current assessment of where their child is. Then we talk about what kind of action a parent could take to help a child move from a 1 to a 2 or a 2 to a 3.
Because children are naturally curious and like feeling competent, mostly our job is to stay out of our children’s way. When they want to try something, let them try it, even if they fail. If we praise their effort and at least a few ways in which they were successful, they will try it again until they can handle the skill on their own.
Want some help with increasing your kids’ independence? Would working one-on-one be an efficient, effective way to create a gameplan for that? Sign up for a Getting to Know You call, and I’ll tell you all about how I work with parents.