Using Parenting Coaching to Develop Positive Discipline Strategies

Parent Coaching can be a priceless tool in helping you translate your understanding of parenting concepts like Positive Discipline into action.  A Parent Coach can provide multiple, real-life examples of what to say, when to say it and how to say it to create the best possible bond between you and your children, so peace, calm, harmony, mutual respect and cooperation reign in your household.   

First, let’s review the tenets of Positive Discipline.  

 •Help children feel connected, that they are a valued part of the household and that their feelings matter 

•Frontload life skills and social-emotional skills needed for success 

•Build children’s capabilities (this allows them to feel powerful) 

•Be respectful and kindly firm when needed 

•Keep the big picture in mind: focus less on consequences for the moment and more on what is going happen next time 

How to put positive discipline into practice 

 You may have heard the catch phrase, “connection first,” but how do you put that into practice?   

 Joy, mom to a three-year-old boy, Jason, told me about the meltdown her son had at Starbucks because he didn’t want to wear his shoes anymore.   

 Joy told Jason that he had a choice:  He could put his shoes on and stay with her in Starbucks, or he could go sit in the car with his dad and take his shoes off. 

 On the surface, giving a clear choice like this is an effective parenting strategy. 

 Jason burst into loud (and for mom embarrassing) protests.  She ended up carrying Jason to the car. 

 I asked Joy to consider, what if you had started with lots of empathy and warmth: “Oh! You want to take your shoes off! I wish I could let you do that.  It is fun to go barefoot.” 

 With a three-year-old you can often do a redirect: “What if we pretend that the floor is hot lava and that we have special anti-lava shoes on to withstand the heat?  But maybe the lava is so hot, we have to do a little dance and lift our feet, so they aren’t on the ground too long?” 

If that still doesn’t work, Mom could offer some encouragement.  

 “Son, you know that some places have rules we just have to follow. I know you raise your hand at school when you want to say something.  Do you want to follow Starbucks’ rule about wearing shoes inside, or would you like to go sit with Daddy and Sisi in the car?”   

Now when Joy offered the choice to be barefoot in the car, she would be doing it in a cocoon of connection and encouragement. Jason would be much less likely to have a meltdown.   

If he did melt down, then it would be time for Joy to let him know, “Okay, Sweetie, I see that this isn’t going to work today.  We’re going outside and take a moment.” 

In this way, Mom has stayed firm about the rule (we wear shoes inside Starbucks) and at the same time has met her son where he is right now. Including words like “today” leaves space for getting to try again another time.   

A lot of the work of Positive Discipline happens by laying the groundwork. 

 Alison, a highly sensitive nine-year-old girl, rudely told her grandmother, “I’m not going into the stupid backyard.”   

 You can imagine how chagrinned Jorge was that his daughter would (in his words) “be such a brat” with her grandmother. 

Rather than focusing on what Alison did wrong, instead, we used the coaching session to focus on what could Jorge do next time to set Alison up for success.   

My guess is that Alison felt backed into a corner.  Quite possibly her parents had sprung the trip to Grandma’s without giving her lead time to process it.  Maybe Alison was remembering the last time she was in Grandma’s yard when her hay fever kicked in.   

A good parenting coach teaches parents how to avoid future pitfalls. 

Problem-solving in advance is a great first step. 

 Next time Jorge could discuss with Alison the expectations of going to Grandma’s house.  He might say something like, “I know you sometimes get bored at Grandma’s with all the adult conversation.  Grandma wants you to have a good time and assumes there is more fun to be had in the yard.  What can we do, so that you aren’t bored?”   

Jorge needs to go one step further and teach Alison how to politely advocate for herself. 

They might start with a roleplay.  Alison could be Grandma telling Jorge, “Why don’t you go outside and play.”  Jorge (as Alison) could say, “I’m worried your yard will trigger my hay fever, but I brought a drawing I could work on at the kitchen table.” 

In the next roleplay, Jorge could be Grandma, and Allison could be herself, giving her practice at getting her needs met in a way that will keep her connection with her grandmother.   

Jorge might go deeper by inquiring, “What else makes it challenging to visit Grandma?” 

Alison might mention she doesn’t like the food Grandma serves.  

You might think that bringing up opportunities for Alison to complain is letting her get her way.  That’s not true. 

You can always connect by hearing your child out and acknowledging their feelings about a situation.  There is no need to argue them out of their point of view.  Listening to their perspective is respectful and lets them know they are important to you.   

You can empathize and then set the expectation, saying, “When we go to other people’s houses, we tend to follow their rules.” 

In this situation, I would probably tell a child, “You don’t have to eat anything you don’t want to eat.  You may politely say no, thank you.  At the same time, we don’t make demands of our host. What if we bring some of the fried rice you like to have on the table?”  

In this way, we help a child handle a situation where the expectations are less flexible.   

Before walking into Granma’s house, Jorge could reinforce the skill by asking, “how are you going handle it if Grandma makes a suggestion you don’t like?” 

A child needs to know we are on his team. 

As parents, we must meet a child where they are developmentally.  With empathy, practice and support, over time we bring them towards accepting more restrictive situations.  

Knowing how much to push and when to allow your child more time to mature before holding them accountable is one of the trickiest aspects of parenting. 

A parenting coach brings a wealth of experience and perspective. 

You think your child and this situation is unique; chances are it is less unique than you think.  I taught over 3000 students.  That means I have seen a lot of different kids at a lot of different ages and stages and have a robust toolbelt of parenting approaches to employ. 

Could you use a sounding board to help figure out which battles to fight? 

For me, part of the fun of parenting is that it is like a puzzle with lots of pieces.  Having an expert outsider looking in can help make the picture clearer. 

 I’d love to do that for you! 

 Sign up for a Getting to Know You call, and I’ll share with you how I support parents to feel more confident and clear about where to focus their energies.