Using a Parenting Coach to Sort Out Different Parenting Styles

Answering the question “What is Your Parenting Style?” can get complicated fast.  In today’s world there are a lot of terms being tossed around, and it can be confusing to know where terms and styles overlap and how they differentiate.

 Let’s do some sorting.

First, it is important to understand the basics of parenting styles.

 The most examined (and recreated) research on parenting styles is based on research Diana Baumrind started in the mid-60s.  Baumrind divided parenting into 3 main styles: permissive, authoritative and authoritarian.  Each style is described in terms of its levels of warmth vs. its level of demands or expectations.

Permissive parenting is high in warmth and low in demands. My nickname for permissive parents is “Run around and eat your cookies!”  Because a permissive parent is more focused on keeping the environment at home warm and conflict-free, a permissive parent might struggle insisting that their child, “Sit down and eat your vegetables.”

 Authoritarian parenting is high in demands and low in warmth.  The stereotype of the Tiger Mom fits into the high demand/low warmth category.  The authoritarian parent is willing to sacrifice a close, easy connection with their child in order to support their child’s skill mastery, whether that is being the first chair in the orchestra or winning the spelling bee.  

Let’s be clear; both the permissive and authoritarian parent are acting from a point of love:  They just have different priorities for their families.

Authoritative parenting is a balance.  It is both high warmth and high demand.

Authoritative parents have clear expectations for their children and are always working towards bringing their children towards those goals.  The difference with the authoritative parent is how they get there.  Authoritative parents bring a lot of warmth, physical affection and empathy to their requests.  They also provide a lot of explanation for why the parent is requiring something of the child.  They bring children towards their goals with encouragement and reassurance that they can learn to do hard things. They hold limits kindly but firmly. 

Second, note that while authoritative parenting has its limitations, it is still seen as the most effective parenting style for most people.

Over decades of research, middle-class white American families with authoritative parents have been found to thrive at higher levels than kids with permissive or authoritarian parents. Whether or not Baumrind’s model applies to parenting in other cultures or at other economic levels is less clear.  Some research suggests authoritative parenting is still the most effective for most kids and, therefore, is a good model to pattern your choices after.  Some research suggests that the model does not apply to some cultures.  For example, in highly interdependent societies the premium is on the close relationships among family members—a closeness that could be affected by the high expectations of authoritative parenting.  Likewise, in communities where life is hard and thriving requires a lot of hard work, discipline, and adherence to the rules, parents might need to be more authoritarian to keep their children safe and on track.  

Finally, authoritative parenting is the basis of or compatible with many other parenting styles currently getting attention.

Here are some of the most common styles:

Positive parenting focuses on holding kids to standards with a lot of warmth, explanations and encouragement.  It has a particular focus on involving kids in coming up with proposals for situations in advance and should consequences be needed, the emphasis is more on finding a solution for next time rather than punishing a child.  

As a classroom teacher, positive discipline was my mantra:  The goal was not to shame or blame a child; the goal was to give the child the skills she needed to do better in the future. 

One of my clients expressed it as, “I feel like I am really putting into practice the saying that I am my child’s first teacher and that the most important way I teach is by modeling with my own behavior.”

Attachment parenting is especially meaningful in the early years of a child’s life.  The idea is that feeling emotionally safe is enhanced by being physically close to the parent.  Attachment parents are more likely to co-sleep and to follow baby-lead weaning.  With their infants and toddlers, they create a physical bond with baby-wearing.

 As their children grow, attachment parents may place a higher emphasis on maintaining a close emotional connection with their children, but this does not mean that they do not bring their children along to accept clear expectations or to meet high standards.  

Gentle parenting is both respectful and positive.  Gentle parents seek to understand their children’s feelings.  They see all behavior as communication and they want to know what their child’s underlying needs are. Slowly, they work with the child towards managing both behaviors and feelings.  They do not see a need for many consequences because they trust that ultimately the child will discover for himself that he is happier being part of a community, and that often means going along with the flow.  

Free-range parenting encourages independence and self-reliance.  Here a primary goal is for kids to be in charge of their own bodies.  A key way kids develop that body awareness and confidence is by exploring especially the outside world with little supervision.  The assumption is that kids will take risks, but when not interfered with, they will take manageable risks that have manageable consequences (say, cuts and scrapes, not broken bones).  

As a parenting coach, it is not my job to prescribe a parenting style.

When working with clients, I certainly seek to educate parents about different styles, but what style they choose is always a factor of their own background, their current circumstances and the personality/needs of their unique child. 

Living in Silicon Valley I have worked with many immigrants who are raising first-generation Americans.  Naturally, they want to raise their children in alignment with their home culture; at the same time, the influence of TV, books, music, and their schooling is modeling different expectations. It takes a balance to find the right parenting style for these situations.

You may start your parenting with a clear vision of what it is going to look like, but you can only parent the child you have.

I planned on breastfeeding and baby-wearing.  Neither worked.  My daughter was born without a suck reflex, and we spent weeks syringing breast milk into her mouth before she finally learned to suck efficiently.  Similarly, from her very first week, she expressed a strong preference for looking out with her arms and legs free.  She could not stand being bundled and never tucked her head into the crook of my neck.  If she was awake, she was doing her best to look around.  Even her patience for being held was limited, and it was so against my instinct as a mother that it took me a long time to appreciate that she would calm down more quickly if I lay her in her crib than if I bounced or rocked her.  

What is your parenting style?

If you are struggling with defining and putting into practice the parenting style that works best for the whole household, that is something parenting coaching can help you sort out.

Our first step would be a complimentary Getting to Know You call, so I can hear about how your family is doing currently and where you would like to be in the future.