Parenting Coaching Saves the Day When It Comes to Setting Boundaries Lovingly but Firmly

Spend an hour on Instagram and you will often see the advice to set and hold clear limits.  In that same hour, parenting experts will encourage you to tune in closely to your child’s need and to meet them where they are. 

If you ask your child to do something and they burst into tears, how are you supposed to know whether to hold the boundary or to let your expectations go for the moment?  

Let’s face the hard truth:  There is no easy answer.

Always giving into your child, teaches them boundaries don’t mean anything.

A little child is not sophisticated enough to understand intellectually what a boundary is.  They learn where the limit is through your consistent behavior. 

The one thing you want to get clear on is that you are not compromising in the moment because you cannot handle your child’s upset.  

If that is the case, there is a good chance you are teaching your child that the way to get something from you is to have a tantrum.  This is not manipulative.  A child develops rules for the world by testing responses to their actions.  They come to believe that the rule is to get what I want, I have to cry.  

I had a client whose six-year-old son Jake was still having huge aggressive outbursts if his parents held even the smallest of limits.  In fact, his parents Tom and Hanna felt that instead of getting better over time, his meltdowns were getting worse.  

My guess as a parenting coach is that the older Jake got, the more he understood that it was not normal to have to cry to get what he wanted, but his parents still hadn’t taught him any other way, and that was affecting his self-confidence (especially as crying wasn’t getting what he wanted at school).  

Never compromising on the rules, teaches your child that their feelings aren’t important.

If you adhere to rules 100% of the time, what you are teaching your child is to not listen to their own body or feelings.  Children will also translate this strict adherence to mean that rules are more important than they are.  This can lead them to feel their parents don’t love them.

A child who feels their parents will never listen to them or who feels their parents never prioritize their (the child’s) needs has no reason to cooperate.

Kids give us their cooperation because they want to please us because we are the source of so much goodness—food, shelter, clothing, love, comfort, fun, and support.  But if they feel they cannot get that from us, many kids will respond with aggressive or subversive behavior. 

Sometimes a child will push the limits just to feel they have some control:  Yes, you will give them a consequence, and they know that, but they also know they can outlast you.  

Maggie’s fifteen-year-old son Luke felt alienated from his mother who was the rule enforcer of the family.  Every time he pushed a limit—like breaking his curfew—he was at once asking her to see him, to listen to his reason for being late, and at the same time (when she held the consequence with no exceptions) was adding proof to his belief that his mom really didn’t care about him at all.

Maggie was getting more and more desperate.  She wanted to teach her son that life is often hard and does not mollycoddle you.  At the same time, she was heartbroken at the growing distance between her and her son. 

She engaged me as her parent coach at the point when Luke was threatening to run away rather than live in such an uncompromising environment. 

Clearly, neither giving in all the time nor never giving in serves you or your children.

How do you find the right balance?

If you observe that you are operating from one extreme or the other, make a 10% shift.

To Jake’s parents, I advised that they set a time and date for themselves to practice saying no at a time they would have the energy to lovingly stay present with Jake’s big feelings until they had passed—without giving in to him or promising him something later.

They decided to try Saturday after a soccer game when they knew that usually Jake would make a request for fast food french fries.  

Sure enough, the request for fries came.  Tom and Hanna told Jake that since it was close to lunch, they were going to the sandwich place instead.  Jake asked if they could get fries after sandwiches.  Tom and Hannah held the limit: Not today.  Today was going to just be sandwiches.  As expected, the meltdown came.  Quite embarrassingly, in fact, as in his anger, Jake knocked over the chips display.

Hanna restored the chips and ordered their sandwiches while Tom took Jake by the hand and took him to the bench outside.  What a scene! Tom told me that holding Jake while he was screaming and thrashing with people coming and going was one of the hardest things he had ever done.  

Twenty minutes later, after a lot of crying on Jake’s part and a lot of deep breathing on Tom’s part, Jake finally cried himself out.  Tom then lovingly held the limit: “Jake, I know you are super disappointed that we are not getting fries today.  I’m sure we will get them some other time. Now, Mom is waiting for us with our sandwiches.”

To Tom’s complete astonishment, Jake followed him inside and sat down, and ate his sandwich.  The rest of the day went pretty smoothly.  

Armed with this experience, Tom and Hanna began to feel more in control.  They felt like they weren’t just giving in to avoid a scene with Jake.  Knowing that they could handle an outburst if it came, they held limits with more confidence.  

Sensing his parents’ confidence in their boundaries, Jake stopped pushing so much, and their home became much more peaceful. 

Holding to rules without ever bending backs your child into a corner.

A teen fighting for his sense of autonomy and identity, it is not surprising that Luke lay down the gauntlet of threatening to run away. That was a big threat that scared his mom who knows how dangerous it is for kids out on the street.  

Luke needed his mom to really understand how much her strictness was pushing him away.  Thank goodness, Maggie was brave enough to put her pride aside and to reach out for help.  

Although as a parenting coach I don’t usually work with the kids, because of Luke’s age, I knew he needed to be part of the process.

Maggie, Luke, and I got on a Zoom call and came up with some agreements between mother and son.

The first agreement was that rather than saying she didn’t want to hear any excuses, Maggie agreed to say, “It’s too late tonight, but tomorrow I want to hear what made it hard to get home in time for your curfew.”  (Later, in one of our one-on-one sessions, Maggie and I reviewed and practiced Active Listening, so that Luke would feel truly seen and heard when he told his mom why he was late.)

The second agreement was that Luke would problem-solve around what he would do next time and tell Maggie his plan.  Mom requested that this plan be put in writing so that they weren’t left with “but you said/no I didn’t” situations.  Luke said okay to a written plan.

The third agreement was that instead of a blanket consequence (ie, it’s 10:01, you’re late, you get the full consequence), they would use a graded consequence:  If Luke was home within 10 minutes of curfew, his curfew the next day was 10 minutes earlier; if he was home within 20 minutes of curfew, his curfew the next day was 30 minutes earlier; and if he was home later than 20 minutes after curfew, the next day he lost the privilege of going out with his friends.  

The fourth agreement was that Luke could put in requests for a later curfew—like for the homecoming dance—as long as he came to his mom at least a week ahead of time.  

The final agreement that Maggie asked for was that Luke find at least one hour a week to do something with his mom.  Maggie explained that she really missed the “good old days” when she and Luke would have fun playing a game or working on a project and that she really missed him.  Luke was distrustful at first, but over time even began to make suggestions for what they could do together. 

This plan worked for a number of reasons:  

•For one, it had a lot more listening built-in.  

•The three “levels of late,” as Luke named it, gave Luke some power to choose whether it was worth it to be a little late or whether he wanted to make the extra effort to get home in time. 

•Being asked to create a plan for next time required Luke to demonstrate his critical thinking skills which reassured Maggie that her son could actually be thoughtful and use his brain.  

•And, perhaps most importantly, by negotiating some dedicated time with her son, Maggie and Luke were reminded of a lifetime of fun, loving interactions.  That helped them feel more connected and bonded.  

Maggie was still holding limits, but she was more flexible and thoughtful about the limits she imposed.  It was less her way or the highway.  

The golden rule of when to hold the limit and when to compromise

At the end of the day, consider when would you have liked to have been shown some grace, and when did having a clear boundary make it easier for you to shift your behavior.  

I’m sure you can find examples of each and recognize the value of each. If you find yourself leaning too much one way, reflect on how you could lean a bit the other way.

Looking for help at finding the balance of setting boundaries?

Sometimes we are too in the thick of things to be able to see where we are stuck in a rut.  That’s where parenting coaching can move things along more efficiently.

I would love to be your outside eye and your accountability partner for change.  

To get started, sign up for a complimentary Getting to Know You call, and we’ll see if we are a good fit for each other.