Your Child Has Been Diagnosed with ADHD. Now What?

     The fact that your child has been diagnosed with ADHD may bring up a lot of emotions—fear, sadness, guilt, anger, confusion.  But to my mind the diagnosis is good.  Let me tell you why.

     You have been living with a child with ADHD for quite some time now.  Whether or not you knew it, you knew your child is different.  You know that compared to the other nine kids at the birthday party, your kid is more intense.  Maybe more stubborn.  Maybe more reactive.  Maybe more emotional.  Maybe just, well, more.  More sensitive.  More likely to get distracted. Slower. Less likely to follow directions.

     And at the same time, you may have noticed that your child is more.  More curious. More inquisitive. More persistent when fully engaged. More excited. More joyous.  More creative and imaginative. More intelligent. More silly and fun. More observant. More in the moment.

     Having an ADHD diagnosis for your child means you now know where to get help.  There are a whole host of professionals who will help you get the resources you need. 

In the meanwhile, here’s the good news:  All the techniques that make for good parenting are also good for kids with ADHD.  You might just need to use them more.

     Let’s review some of the fundamentals that help all kids thrive. 

Provide Regular Routines

     All kids need routine.  Routines are kids anchors in a sea of new learning.  When the routines for getting up and dressed/getting out the door for school/for what you do when you walk in the door after school/for dinner, homework, ablutions and bedtime are the same every day, that is one part of the day they don’t have to think about as much.  That is one part of the day when they know exactly what they are supposed to do and how they are to behave.  Yes, kids with ADHD will need extra reminders.  Yes, kids with ADHD will need support with staying on task. Yes, kids with ADHD may need visual reminders—checklists/pictures, etc. Yes, you can expect kids with ADHD to behind their peers by two or three years when it comes to being independent with these routines, but your kids will get there. 

Use ANTICIPATION to Set Your Kids Up for Success

     Anticipation is one of my favorite parenting techniques.  It says that before I send a kid into a situation, I am going to review with her what she should expect and how I expect her to behave in a given situation.  It is like a mental rehearsal.  In fact, I might even do a role playing rehearsal at home before I leave the house. 

     Let’s say I am taking my kids to the movies.  Before we leave the house and again before we exit the car (and for my kid with ADHD one more time as we are walking down the aisle to find our seats), I am going to review what is going to happen.

            •We are going to stand in line to buy tickets. 

            •We are going to stand in line to have our tickets taken.

            •The theater is going to be a little bit dark.

            •There will be previews; they aren’t the real movie.

            •Finally, our movie will begin.

     I am also going to outline what behavior I expect to see and hear.

            •We are going to walk in the theater with calm bodies.

            •We are not going to talk in the theater.

            •We are going to keep our bottoms in our chairs.

            •We are going to keep our feet on the ground.

     I am going to check for understanding.

            •How are we going to walk in the theater?

            •Are we going to talk in the theater?

Focus on the Positive

     Humans are hard wired to hear the negative.  Say one thing negative and one thing positive, and your children will hear the negative.  In fact, research tells us that we need to hear five positive things to balance that one negative thing.  Kids with ADHD need to hear that they are doing something right even more than that: You are sitting quietly in your chair; thank you for passing the butter; you took your dishes to the sink; you remembered your lunch box; we got out the door on time!  Focusing on the concrete behaviors we want to see is more effective than telling our children how they are failing to meet our standards. 

Fill Up Your Kids’ Emotional Cup

     Kids feeling safe and connected is THE key to getting your kids’ cooperation.  This is even more true for kids with ADHD.  So much of their day is negative; a lot is harder for them.  Your physical presence—your hugs, your pats on the back, your smiles—will help kids feel grounded.  Lots of laughter and physical play will help them blow off steam and clear out the tension from the day.  Even older kids will respond to pillow fights or impromptu wrestling.  Joining them in activities that they love make them feel special (especially if they know you don’t like the activity and are doing it anyway just for them). 

Yes, some kids are easier.  It is natural to wish your child were easier, too.  It will take more energy and more dedication and more perseverance to raise your child with ADHD.  Parents, I cannot guarantee this will be true for you, but I will say that it has been my most challenging students who have made the biggest impression on me and who have the biggest chunks of my heart. 

Happy Parenting,

Elisabeth