How Do You Talk to Your Kids About Porn?
Recently I had the pleasure of hearing Amy Lang of The Birds and the Bees give a webinar on how to talk to your boys about porn. I felt like what she has to say is so critically important that I wanted to pass on to you the key ideas I got from her talk. (And while it was directed towards parents of boys, everything Amy said sounded like I could have easily used it with my daughter, too.)
Key Idea #1: Pornography is big business
The pornography industry is not putting in effort to keep porn from your kids. No, they are happy to be in front of your kids. In fact, they are working hard to get porn in front of your kids.
Key Idea #2: It is YOUR job to monitor
The pornography industry is working to get in front of your kids: It is your job to do your best to protect your kids from seeing it. It is NOT your kids’ job to NOT see porn. Their curiosity is natural.
MONITORING IS REQUIRED. This is the seatbelt of the internet. You can’t trust your child not to be curious, and you cannot trust that the system won’t put things in front of them. Get the technology that allows you to see what sites they are on, what their searches have been, what they are saying in gaming chat rooms and what people are saying to them.
PARENTAL CONTROLS. Again, while no control is perfect, and savvy kids will find work arounds, you still want to make it as unlikely as possible that your kids will be exposed to porn. Sometimes this will be a pain in the neck because your kids will have to come to you to get access to legitimate websites in order to complete school assignments. The extra bother of giving that access is worth the protection.
AMY’S VIEW is very much that this is not an area where you can grant your children the expectation of privacy. The risks are too high.
(Side note: Don’t forget to spot check your kids’ school computers. Their controls aren’t what we would wish them to be.)
Key Idea #3: Talk about sex before you talk about porn
Before you can point out to kids that porn is not sex, you have to teach them what sex is. That’s why one of the biggest things you can do is talk to your kids early and often about relationships and sexuality in terms of your values. Kindergarten is not too early to talk about sexuality. At that age, kids are curious but don’t have preconceived ideas about sex and sexuality being bad or good. Just start with basic info about how bodies work. Short conversations. Just 2-3 minutes at a time. Amy has lots of information about this ________.
(Side note: In my [Elisabeth’s] view, learning to be a good friend and to have boundaries with a friend is both one of the most important tasks of elementary school and is an important part of sex education. Friendship allows a kid to practice skills like sensitivity and clarity and give and take. For a friendship to be healthy, a child needs to take in the wants and needs of his friend. At the same time, he needs to be clear about his own limits. Teaching your child to say to a friend, “When you said you’d meet me at the swings and then played soccer instead, I felt ashamed and angry because I was left waiting there by myself. Next time tell me if you change your mind.” This later translates to asking for what you want and need with a romantic or sexual partner.)
Key Idea #4: The best protection against porn is talking about it
Before sit down to talk about porn, ask yourself What’s your goal in talking to your kids about porn? As young adults, where do you want your kids to be in terms of where it fits into their life?
For example, you may want your kids to be fully informed about what a healthy relationship looks like and how porn does or does not support that.
The most important reason to talk to your kids about porn? It lets them know you are totally down with talking about it. Let them know you want to be their go-to resource when it comes to talking about sex and porn. Then show them you really mean it by pro-actively bringing the topic up.
Key Idea #5: There are ways to have the conversation
Amy rocks at giving parents quick and easy scripts to talk to your kids about all aspects of sex and sexuality. Here are some things you might say to your kids:
Hey, I need to talk to you about something. You may have already heard something about this.
There’s this thing called porn. Its pictures and videos of people having sex. If you see this, you need to come tell me. You will NOT be in trouble. It can be weird and confusing to see porn, but we’ll help you deal with that.
Have you seen it? You won’t be in trouble!!
3-5 year olds: Sometimes when you are on the internet, you can see videos of naked people. Have you ever seen anything like that? It is not okay for little kids to see. You will not be trouble if you see that but I do need you to tell me.
6-8 year olds: Sometimes when you are on the internet, you can see videos of naked people. This is called porn or pornography. It’s people having sex. It’s not real sex. It’s not okay for kids to see this because it will give you the wrong idea about what sex is. These are actors; That’s weird and confusing for kids, so it is important to tell me, so I can help you process it. Have you ever seen anything like that?
8-12 year olds: Pornography is a LIE. These are actors. Porn starts in the middle. It is generally violent and degrading. There is no kindness, compassion, or consent. It gives people the wrong idea of what penises and breasts should look like. It can MESS with your brain and your body about normal sexuality. It could cause problems for you in terms of how you relate to other people when you are older. People can become compulsive users. It’s like picking a scab: It feels good in the moment, but it is not good.
Have these conversations while you are doing something else, so it feels casual to your kids (even if you have rehearsed the conversation ahead of time!). If you are doing something side by side, you don’t have to make eye contact which can make it easier and less intense.
Books can also be an excellent way to start the conversations. One Amy especially likes for the porn talks is Good Pictures Bad Pictures. For the sex talks, It’s SO Amazing is a great place to start with kids ages five and up.
Key Idea #6: Amy has the resources you need!
Amy has a ONE STOP SHOP called The Birds and Bees Solution Center. It is chock full of scripts, clues and tips for how to talk about body parts, safe touch, different kinds of families, how to talk about making babies (Keep it simple! penis in vagina), other ways people can get pregnant, masturbation, puberty, gender, consent, etc.
It’s a one-time payment of $69 to join and if you use the coupon code STITT you’ll get 15% off.
Check it out here.
This is a paid program but to my mind worth every penny. I am so grateful that my daughter made it to young adulthood with no sexual trauma, but I am also fully cognizant that I got lucky. Had I had these resources at my fingertips, not only would I have known what conversations I needed to be having, I would have had Amy holding my hand with step by step guidelines for how to have them.
You do have this resource available to you. Don’t put off teaching your kids about porn until they have already seen it. It is much easier to teach than to unteach! Sign up here today!
In the meanwhile, happy parenting!
Elisabeth
Good Pics: