Common Parenting Challenges a Parenting Coach Can Help You Solve

These days, parenting is a lonely business.  We can no longer depend on our family and friends to guide us through the sticky parts of a particular age or stage with our children.  That’s why, today, we have parenting coaches. 

Here’s how parenting coaching addresses some common parenting challenges. 

Inconsistent parenting approaches between parents can cause big problems.  

There is probably little more important to most parents than their children. We all do what we think is best for our children and have little patience for the other parent being either too harsh or too lenient. 

The way I deal with that as a parenting coach is to have each parent focus on what the benefit to the child of the other parent’s approach is.  

Let’s say, for example, that Dad is frustrated with Mom because she allows the children to get up and come back to the table and finish their meal.  Dad’s goal is to emphasize the importance of family togetherness at the table by making sure that the kids stay seated. Mom knows that it is super hard for a three- and five-year-old to sit still for a long period of time, and she doesn’t want to turn meals into a lot of unpleasant arguing. 

Both parents have a similar goal: to have a peaceful family dinner.   

Mom is focused on lowering conflict in the short run and doing what is in alignment with what she believes is appropriate to the kids’ ages and stages.  Dad believes that a rule of “once you leave the table, the meal is over” will teach the kids quickly the benefit of staying seated.  He is willing for the kids to suffer the short-term consequence of being hungry for a night or two for the benefit of getting the kids to stay at the table longer and longer.  

Both parents have a reasonable point of view:  Mom is right that given yummy food and pleasant conversation, the kids will naturally stay at the table longer and longer.  Dad is also right; the kids are old enough to learn the expectations of the family meal. 

There are really three possible solutions here: One, Mom could decide to back Dad wholeheartedly; two, Dad could back Mom wholeheartedly (maybe with the agreement to revisit the issue six months later); and three, Mom and Dad could find a compromise that nodded towards both their preferred approaches. 

Here is what I proposed as their parent coach:   

Find ways to make staying at the table more interesting—perhaps by establishing some rituals like lighting candles, saying grace, and each family member sharing one good thing that happened that day.  At the same time, let the kids know the goal of staying at the table longer and agree on a minimum time they will sit before getting up.  Start with a small number (like no more than five minutes).  Increase that number minute by minute if the kids are successful.  If the kids are not successful, back off a minute the next night. In the meanwhile, if more than the prescribed time comes and goes before the kids ask to leave the table, praise them for being able to sit so long and express how much you enjoy their company and conversation.  

My clients were willing to try this solution because each felt they were getting their own way. Mom saw that the kids were going to be allowed to get up from the table, and Dad approved that the children were being required to stay at the table for a certain amount of time. Both liked the addition of having a structure that encouraged listening and sharing.   

Setting realistic expectations and goals can be a real challenge. 

Most of my clients are pro-active consumers of parenting blogs, podcasts, and videos.  They have some grasp of the current research on best parenting practices.   

So, why do they come to a parenting coach? 

One reason they engage me is because different kids have different brains, different learning styles and different needs, and it is good for parents to be able to bounce their specific situation off a knowledgeable expert.   

My clients, Jenny and Ingo, were stressed out by their six-year-old daughter Bella.  Bella was having complete meltdowns at the end of the school day—yelling and screaming and throwing things at her parents when they asked her to sit down and do her homework. 

Jenny and Ingo had read that it helps students to have a regular routine and a clear workspace to complete their homework.  Ingo would pick Bella up from school, give her a snack and at 3:30 ask her to do her homework.   

As parents, they were doing just what the parenting book suggested, but it didn’t work!  

Because the recommended approach didn’t work with Bella, they were feeling discouraged and even a bit stupid because they didn’t seem to be able to execute a seemingly simple idea. 

The advice was not bad advice; for many children it would have worked.  But Bella was a Highly Sensitive Person.  While she could keep it together at school (indeed, her teachers often mentioned how delightful she was), focusing and following directions was putting an enormous strain on her every day.  She desperately needed to blow off steam before being asked to sit and focus again. 

In our parenting coaching session, we brainstormed ways for Bella to fully relax before tackling her homework.   

Here are some of the ideas we came up with: 

•Stop by to play at the park on the way home, and then go home and have a snack. 

•Have a snack in the car on the way to the park, and then tackle homework after 30 minutes of running around. 

•Come home, have a snack and then lie on the floor for a guided meditation before sitting down to do homework. 

•Allow Bella to do her homework lying on the floor. 

•Do predictable homework (like studying spelling words or reading 20 minutes a day) in the morning when Bella is fresh. 

•Allow Bella to wear her headphones with soothing music (no lyrics because they are too distracting) as she does her homework. 

• Encourage Bella to move as she does her homework (ex. Sitting on a blown-up ball, switching seats every five math problems, walking around the table every 10 minutes. 

•To this list, Bella added play with the dog for 10 minutes before starting homework. 

Engage your children in the critical thinking process when the problem concerns them. 

I wanted support Jenny and Ingo in involving Bella in finding a solution to her outbursts. As a parenting coach, I am an idea generating machine.  My ideas don’t count for much, though, if parents—and maybe just as importantly, kids—don’t buy into the strategies I suggest.  

One of our jobs as parents is to help our children discover who they are as learners.  When kids learn from their strengths, they experience more success, and learning is easier. When kids identify what approach they would like to try, parenting goes much more smoothly. 

Working with a parenting coach can teach you how to work with your kids rather than against them.   

One of my favorite ways to make parenting more joyful is to bring in more playfulness. 

Looking for ideas of games you can adapt for getting more flow and cooperation with your kids? I have a great resource for you:  Parents at Play: Games to Play With Your Kids

Is one-on-one help a better option for you? Get started today with a Getting to Know You Call.