The Role of a Parenting Coach in Managing Child Behavior Issues

Using a parent coach to manage child behaviors makes more sense than you might think. 

 First, parenting is a skill; it is not innate. 

Many parents hesitate to get help because they feel that a good parent should just know instinctively how to help and guide their child.   

These parents do not realize that historically parenting knowledge has been handed down from generation to generation by the wise counsel of the village—by parents, grandparents, religious leaders in the olden days and more recently by teachers, coaches and even librarians.   

Perhaps most importantly, parents shared information with each other.  Today, with 70% of women in the workforce, the wisdom and parenting advice that used to get passed on over a cup of coffee at the kitchen table just doesn’t happen.   

My last job before I left teaching was as an Outreach Teacher.  That meant that before parents saw the principal, I was the person at school that parents could talk to when they had an issue with their child.   

One day a mom came and told me that her twin boys were coming up from school every day and having big crying jags about one particular teacher. 

When I asked this mom what she was hearing when she compared notes with the other parents in her sons’ class, she looked at me like I had crawled out from under a rock. 

She spat out bitterly, “You don’t understand, Mrs. Stitt.  You can tell other parents about the soccer goal your child made or the prize they took at the science fair.  I could never tell another parent my kids were coming home and having complete meltdowns every day.  I would be a complete pariah.”   

That was an eye-opening moment to me.  And wanting to help this parent with dealing with her boys at home planted the seed for me making the transition to parenting coaching:  I knew all the wisdom I had gained from twenty-five years of teaching could make parenting a much easier and more joyful job.  

Second, your parenting coach has hours and hours of hands-on experience working with kids 

Most of the clients I work with are not only thoughtful parents, but they are also super well-read.  In fact, to some degree, I rely on my parents for book reviews and recommendations to help me weave through the hundreds of parenting books out there. 

Where my clients are feeling stuck is in the implementation. 

They feel like they are doing everything the books are telling them to do, and yet they are not seeing improvement in their child’s behavior. 

One challenge parents face is that they have not honed their instincts about what is going on through years and years of interactions with multiple children. 

A parenting coach brings the academic knowledge of children’s development and, at the same time, adds a filter of thousands of interactions with misbehaving children to help them identify what is the child’s core need or motivation. 

My clients, Joe and Cathy, were at their wits end about their daughter Emma’s tantrums.  Most of the time they had a happy, cheerful delight of a child.  More and more, however, four-year-old Emma was melting down—either in tears or in screaming matches—multiple times a day.   

Joe and Cathy were doing a lot right to support Emma:  They were staying present with her and acknowledging her emotions, and they were offering choices as a way of empowering her.  They were making sure she was going to bed on time and was eating a variety of foods.   

 They were stumped. 

Through my conversations with them, I learned Joe and Cathy were planning a move later in the year.  They hadn’t shared that information with Emma yet.  Or so they thought. 

My gut was telling me that Emma had probably overheard enough snatches of conversation to know that something was up but, at her age, she didn’t know exactly what a move would mean and she didn’t know how to ask about it.  

 I suggested that Joe and Cathy get some picture books that included families moving in their mix of regular reading and see if Emma would react. 

Bingo.  With the first book they read to her, Emma got mad in the middle of reading it and demanded a different book.  I had told Joe and Cathy that if that happened to let it go and to read a more familiar story.  A few nights later, they incorporated another story about a family moving into the mix.  Emma grabbed it and threw it across the room.   

This time Joe gathered Emma on his lap, saying, “I notice you really don’t want to read the stories about families moving.  Tell me about that. Do you know what it means to move?”  

Emma’s answer shocked her parents.  She sobbed, “It means mommies and daddies leave their kids.”   

In that moment, Joe and Cathy realized that while the general advice about moving is to not tell toddlers and preschoolers of a move until it is certain and closer to the actual move date, they needed to start having lots of conversations with her about what moving would mean in her family.   

As they did, the seemingly irrational behavior of the previous months began to ease off. 

Together, Joe, Cathy, and I brainstormed ideas to help make the move more concrete and manageable for Emma and, by the time they moved, their happy, cheerful girl was telling everyone she talked to about all the cool things she was going to get to do in their new town.  

Third parenting coaching is private and confidential; that can save a lot of criticism and judgment from others 

While seeking your parents’, in-laws’, or even friends’ advice can be wonderfully supportive, if you do not feel safe sharing or feel judged by them, the advice might come at the cost of your confidence in yourself as a parent.   

Although coaching is not regulated in the United States, any coach worth their salt will treat their relationship with you with the same standard a doctor or lawyer would apply to confidentiality.  I include my promise of keeping my clients’ information private as part of my coaching agreement which both they and I sign.   

Sometimes, one parent will even come to me to gain more confidence, so he can be a more supportive parenting partner. 

David loved his wife and his two kids to pieces but he was getting himself into a negative spiral when it came to his parenting. 

He was quicker than his wife to get angry or impatient with his kids.  That was not only embarrassing, it was terrifying to him, bringing up his fears that he would be the kind of dad his own father was.   

Afraid that he was screwing his children up, David started spending more and more time away from home.  Not surprisingly, that lead to a lot of resentment in his wife, creating an ever-widening rift between them.  

Finally, David got up the courage to reach out to me for help.  All he told his wife was that he was getting help with his anger.   

We did work on David’s anger, and through our regular sessions David was able to learn and ask questions without feeling that his wife was judging him.   

By the end of our time together, not only did David feel like he had a clear foundation in what to expect from his kids at their given age and stage, he also had a toolbelt full of parenting approaches and strategies to use from moment to moment.  

Eventually, we roped in David’s wife Linda into our sessions.  By getting on the same parenting page, David and Linda were able to meet their children’s behaviors head-on as a united team.  Their confidence soared-and along with it--their joy in parenting multiplied. 

Where could you use an upgrade in your parenting? 

You are a loving, hard-working, dedicated parent.  Are you nonetheless feeling like you are constantly falling short as a parent?  Do you feel like you are drowning in the day-to-day demands of showing up for your kids? 

A good parent coach increases your knowledge and your skills, all the time taking into account your values and priorities as a parent, shining the light on your unique parenting gifts and building up your confidence. 

Let’s get started today with a Getting to Know You call. 

It would be my honor to serve you.