Parenting Coaching for New Parents: Navigating the Early Years

Kids do a big chunk of their learning between birth and three years old.  That makes it a critical time for laying down a good parenting foundation. 

We used to come to parenting with a lot of interactions and experience dealing with kids.  Now, however, often the first infant a parent has ever held is her own child just after she gives birth.  

That’s why today, wise parents are seeking out parenting education classes or even a private parenting coach to help them optimize these early years.   

I recommend new parents work on three key issues: 

• Becoming effective communicators 

• Creating a clear vision of who they want to be as a family 

• Having a basic understanding of key ages and stages 

Learn to handle conflict constructively 

One of the biggest challenges of being a new parent is that, suddenly, you are faced with a lot of decisions that feel more deeply personal and important than almost any decision you have made before.  

With a spouse, you can disagree with how they do something, but now their actions affect your child, and your protective instincts come out. 

Let’s say, for example, that you refuse to be around second-hand smoke, so you have only met your mother-in-law in restaurants or other public places where smoking is not permitted.  Your mother-in-law has respected the no-smoking rule at your house.  

Your spouse hasn’t loved that you won’t go to his parents’ house but has been okay visiting his folks at their house on his own.  Now, however, you are saying that he can’t take his own child to visit his own parents in their own house—even if they promise not to smoke when the baby is there. You are also fearful of having your in-laws babysit—even at your house—because you really don’t believe that your mother-in-law can go three or four hours without a smoke.   

Sorting through the feelings, the rights, and the expectation to be supported quickly feels like the most critical negotiation.   

As a parenting coach, I spend a lot of time teaching concrete strategies for expressing your fears, needs, and boundaries in a way that brings parents closer together, even as they are addressing difficult issues. Parenting coaching sessions give you a safe, supportive environment to practice new communication skills.  

Having a clear idea of your overarching parenting goals is your roadmap to success 

When expecting or caring for an infant, parents are so caught up in the day-to-day decisions of each moment, they don’t take the time to look forward.  This can result in developing a habit of parenting by the seat of their pants.  Of course, we can’t anticipate everything that will come up with parenting, but parents who take the time to chart who they want to be as a family will experience less stress and more joy over the next twenty years.   

Kevin and Jade came to me because they disagreed on letting their seven-year-old Emma join the competitive gymnastics team.  Kevin was proud of his daughter and wanted her to take advantage of every opportunity available to her.  Jade was upset because practices were 5 pm to 7 pm every day—smack dab in the middle of dinner.  Letting Emma be on the team would mean that they were just giving up on having family dinners.  

Rather than trying to solve the immediate question of competitive gymnastics, I asked Kevin and Jade to take a step back and instead ask who do you want your children to be at twenty-one? What do you want their relationship to be with you and with each other? 

Looking at the big picture, Kevin and Jade had a lot of agreement about their goals for their children.  They articulated desires like 

•The (three) girls will like each other and want to spend time with each other 

•The kids will still want to spend time with us and look forward to and prioritize vacations and holidays with the family 

•The girls will have a balance between advocating for their own needs and desires, on the one hand, and considering the needs of the family/community on the other hand.  

•Family members will support each other’s dreams and respect each individual’s right to chart her own course.  

In our sessions, we talked about how some of these goals conflicted with the other and that as the leaders of a family of young children, they were going to have to decide how to balance and prioritize them. 

In the end, Kevin decided to test Emma’s level of commitment to the competitive team by asking her, how would she feel if they waited until next year to join.  Kevin was surprised at how not bothered Emma was about that idea.  Clearly, she was not chomping at the bit to join the team. 

Now the decision to protect family dinners was an easy one. 

I pointed out that if Emma had had her heart set on joining the competitive team, they could have agreed to try it for a month or two.  They could have let Emma know at the start that they had reservations about her being on the team, and that they would make a final decision later.  In this way, Emma would know they were considering her desires, and at the same time, they were making clear they were weighing her dreams in the context of the needs of the whole family.   

Too many families start down a path like competitive gymnastics without fully weighing the long-term impact on the stress levels of the family or even the child herself.  Children have time to develop and can develop a passion for many different activities.  It is not unreasonable for a parent to put a limit in place. 

My daughter wanted to join the vaulting team, and I said no.  Not only was vaulting really expensive, I couldn’t get over my own worry about her falling off a horse and breaking a bone or, worse, cracking her head open.  I felt confident that she would find other pursuits that were just as fulfilling.  Happily, she found ceramics which is a hobby she has continued to develop even as an adult.  

Knowing what to expect from your kids at each grade level also makes parenting much easier 

Parenting is a skill; it is not something we just know—especially if we are not in child-related fields.   

I find that parents both expect too much of their children at a given age on the one hand and not enough of their children at that same age on the other hand.  

Maura and Joseph were upset by their three-year-old’s extreme tantrums.  Joe joked that they were raising the next ax murderer, but underneath their laughter, they were truly scared by Chloe’s screaming, spitting, biting, and scratching behavior when she didn’t get her own way.  

I pointed out that tantrums are still totally normal for preschoolers.  At three, they are on a steep learning curve, especially when it comes to managing their big feelings.  They still need lots of caregiver support and reassurance that Mommy and Daddy are there to keep them safe and to help them learn to calm and soothe themselves. Over the next few years, our acceptance of their messy emotions without shame or judgment (or fear!) allows our children to learn to handle things more on their own. 

At the same time, Maura and Joe were not considering how capable and competent a three-year-old can be.  They were still jumping in to do things for Chloe that she could be working on doing for herself.  For example, they were getting her dressed, doing up buttons and zippers without giving her a chance to attempt it herself.  They were packing her lunch and putting it in her school backpack without involving her at all.  They were carrying her backpack into school and not allowing her the satisfaction of carrying her own things.  In short, they were still treating her like a toddler. 

As Maura and Joe shifted towards being warmly present with Chloe when she was having a hard time, on the one hand, and building her confidence and pride in being a big kid, on the other hand, they experienced much more peace.  Tantrums shortened in frequency and intensity, and their happy, productive child emerged more and more.   

The more work you do early in your parenting to have a clear, developmentally appropriate plan, the more your children will thrive and the more confidence and joy you will experience. 

My Transition to Parenthood curriculum is designed to support parents in making a smooth shift from being a couple to being a united parenting team.   

Sign up HERE to ask questions about this intensive workshop.