Positive Discipline With Tweens and Early Adolescents

What is Positive Discipline?

I was first exposed to Positive Discipline as a classroom teacher, and I was very glad to have it in my toolbelt when I became a parent.  Positive Discipline supports Authoritative Parenting—represented by the balance of high warmth with our kids and high expectations for our kids—which has long been known to be the most effective parenting style for raising kids who thrive. 

Positive discipline focuses on the positive (hence the name!).  It assumes high degrees of warmth, respect and connection and is based on a model of being pro-active as a parent about setting and communicating expectations for kids. Parents give reasons for their thinking so they can encourage critical thinking in their children.  Fostering independence is another key value.  When consequences are needed, parents either let natural consequences do the work or, where needed, communicate logical consequences in advance, so that kids know what to expect when they forget or choose not to meet agreements they have made. 

I hope you have been using positive discipline with your little kids. If so, that likely means you have gotten a fairly high degree of cheerful cooperation in your household.  But even a teen who has been raised with positive discipline is likely to push back and go on emotional rampages when their hormones kick in and they have the very challenging task of separating from their parents.

What does Positive Discipline look like with tweens and teens? 

1.      Work out agreements ahead of time.

When I was teaching 7th grade, I had a few rules, but the main one was Be respectful.  I spent time at the beginning of the school year with each of my class sections to map out what does being respectful look like and sound like.  We discussed what does it mean to be respectful to yourself, to others and property.  Out of that I laid out my expectations for how things would be run in my classroom.  For example, I had an expectation that students would bring a couple of sharp pencils and a pen to class.  I had an expectation that if students needed to sharpen their pencil, they wouldn’t choose to do it in the middle of my lecturing (or that they would at least interrupt me politely if they absolutely needed to sharpen a pencil right now).  Setting out expectations rather than a lot of rules, and tying the expectations to a value (respect) and a goal (maximize learning time), set the tone for mutual respect and cooperation in my classroom.

2.     Hold expectations and limits but also be ready to listen and understand.

I expected my students to be on time.  They were given a few freebies, and after that there was a consequence.  And at the same time, I assumed my kids were tardy for good reasons.  A child who arrived late had to fill out a form that said, “I’m sure you were late for a good reason.  Please tell me why.”  I got all kinds of answers on those forms:  My sister never gets ready on time and always makes us late; I stayed up late working on my science report and that made me wake up late; I had a fight with my friend and was in the bathroom crying; my boyfriend broke up with me.  (My favorite was “It is sooooooo nice out in the sun that I just couldn’t make myself come inside.”). Each of these answers gave me a place to connect with my student.  It also brings me to my next point…

3.      Engage your kids in critical thinking.

When my students were late, it gave me a chance to come to them to engage them in critical thinking, so they could make a plan for not being late next time.  Let’s take the student (we’ll call her Sara) who said she was late because her sister was never ready on time.  We talked about what words Sara could use with her parents to politely and respectfully suggest that they needed to assure that Little Sister did not make Sara late.  We talked about what Sara could do herself to move Little Sister along in the morning.    

 Parents struggle to implement the parenting advice they read.  I solve that in 2 ways: First, I connect their personal values and vision for their family to their concrete day-to-day parenting decisions. That supports parents in being consistent and building trust with their kids. Second, from my 25+ years in the classroom, I teach parents how to use their bodies, voices and imaginations to engage their kids effectively, so they get the closeness and cooperation that makes for happy homes.  

Holding fast to one key belief about parenting is what makes me a successful coach: People do the best they can in the moment and, at the same time, are absolutely able to change and improve with support and practice.  When I hold that space 100% for my clients, that enables my clients to hold that space for their kids.  That shift in attitude promotes transformation in the whole family system. 

What kind of parenting support could you use?  What help do you need in reducing chaos and creating more respect and cooperation in your home?

Email me HERE to let me know what piece of parenting is feeling particularly challenging right now.   

To join our November 2021 Wear Your C.A.P.E. and Stand in Your Parenting Power Challenge, go HERE.