Stepping Stones to Laying the Ground Work for Healthy Relationships with Your Kids

I talked to the mom of an 18 year old recently. She was so frustrated because on his weekend home from college he broke curfew and threw up on her front porch. Even though he is a college freshman, she recognizes the importance of still having clear expectations about the rules in her own house. On the one hand, she is thinking maybe it is time for tough love. On the other hand, she knows that her learning-challenged, too-quick-to-follow-the-negative-influence-of-his-peers son is not ready to treated as a responsible-for-himself adult even if it does say 18 on his driver’s license.

This is a really hard situation. And at his age, this kind of defiance is even harder to address.

That’s why it is so important to do everything you can do to build the structures of a respectful and open relationship with your kids. Below are some key approaches to doing that. (I’m not saying these approaches are a guarantee. We all know that the teen years are a time of exploration—and vaping has caught all kinds of professionals unaware—so it is really hard for parents to keep up.)

Make Your Children Feel Important by Involving Them in Housework Early

Children want to feel capable, needed and important. Some kids get all that through school work and being a leader in the classroom. But for many kids, school is not that place, and by helping out at home, kids can feel that they are contributing to something meaningful. It makes the whole family feel better and less stressed when things are cleaned, organized and there is good food on the table. When your children have been part of creating that, it gives them a lot to be proud about.

Develop a Growth MIndset as a Family

Having a growth mindset says, We are in progress.: As a family, we have goals we are working towards and, while we may not be there yet, we will continue to work together to solve problems as a family. Whether it is parents learning not to yell or siblings learning not to fight, applying a growth mindset allows families to forgive each other and move on with hope and faith.

Start Family Meetings Early and Be Consistent About Them

Family meetings are one of my favorite tools. They not only provide a structure to work out the logistics of family life (who needs to be where when, etc), they provide a place for children to feel seen, heard and acknowledged. You don’t have to do what your child proposes just because you allow them to talk about it: As long as you have listened respectfully (and stay open to hearing more about their ideas in the future), you have shown your children that you want to be able to say yes to them and to find solutions for things, keeping in mind the goals and values of the family.

Be Fiercely Protective About Family Time

There are too many forces today fighting against warm, connected families. Some of them (like feeling you have to go to every birthday party you get asked to) are in of themselves benign, but combined with all the other factors that pull attention away from the family make prioritizing family life something you have to be very pro-active about. Studies are very clear about the power of closely bonded families as buffers against the many pitfalls teens can succumb to.

How do you do all these things? Well, one step at a time. Start with a family meeting. My Family Meeting ebook can help you get started. At the early family meetings state your firm desire for yours to be a caring family that looks to each other for help, support, love (and even fun!). I kid you not. When’s the last time that you sat down with the whole family and stated your clear intension to be a cohesive unit. The older your kids are, the more you will have to get by eye rolls and protests. That’s okay. Just keep at it. The pay off is completely worth it.