10 Things to Say No To (to Avoid Parenting Overwhelm and Burnout)
In a piece for the New York Times, Pooja Lakshmin opines, “if you’re a parent who’s at your wits’ end, instead of beating yourself up for your failure to self-care, try shortening your family to-do list and setting some boundaries." This is good advice, of course, but she doesn't give any concrete advice on how to shorten the family to-do list. I got thinking about that and came up with this list for parents of new to elementary school kids. (In the comment section below, tell me what are the things that you say no to.)
1. Say no to endless researching of baby gadgets and paraphernalia
I’m sure that there are new products on the market all the time that might make your life easier as a parent, but they might actually just be adding to your guilt and insecurity. For example, the latest baby monitors are meant to lower parental anxiety by assuring you that your child is okay, but quite likely they keep parents from developing trust that baby is just fine. Yes, take recommended precautions to keep your child safe like putting them to sleep on their back on a firm mattress, but once you have instituted best practices, let go of the extra worry that saps your energy and leads to depression.
2. Say no to feeling you have to attend Mommy and Me Classes or Library Story Time
Developmentally, babies and toddlers are very caregiver focused. Your baby can thrive with one care giver being responsive and following her cues. If you go to enriching activities, go because you like the company and the structure they provide (since, let’s face it, staying at home with a small child can be pretty boring). If the energy that it takes to get dressed and out the door by a certain time is sucking the joy out of the activity, be reassured that Baby can get all the stimulation she needs at home.
3. Say no to elaborate birthday parties for your own kid
No birthday party needs to be more than a playdate with a cake and a few decorations. It can also be as small as feels good to you and your child. If you and your child are both extroverts and love to party, by all means invite the class; but if your child is going to end up having a meltdown or hiding behind the couch, inviting one friend to share in a slice of cake can be just as special. (And remember fair is not equal. It is okay to give your extroverted child a big party and let your introverted child invite a few friends to play in the park.)
4. Say no to other Kids’ birthday parties
Do not feel that you have to say yes to a party just because someone invites your child. If every kid in the class gets invited to every party and you have more than one child, you could spend every weekend of the year driving your kids to birthday parties. Create a policy for how many birthday parties each child gets to attend within a given time period and stick to it.
5. Say no to toys that drive you nuts (anything with batteries?)
Just because someone gives your child a toy does not mean you have to accept it into your house. Can’t stand the firetruck that flashes and beeps and has an alarm that shoots your blood pressure through the roof? Lose the batteries or get rid of the truck. Someone gifts your child the stuffed animal that is three times bigger than the child himself? Tell your child that animal is on loan and can stay through the end of the weekend. You have a no gun policy? Teach your children to say thank you for the thoughtfulness of someone giving them something and at the end of the party, the guns go into the giveaway pile.
6. Say no to having to teach your child to read
Just by reading to your child or singing and clapping and playing games, you are getting your child ready to read. Sure, go ahead and point out letters in the environment—especially their own names—but don’t feel you need flashcards or videos or workbooks or a designated 10 minutes a day to work on reading skills. Let the teachers handle that. The same is true with math skills: Every time you ask your child how many peas they want and then count them out, you are developing math skills. That is enough.
7. Say no to sporting events and other activities scheduled on your “Day of Rest?
If you practice a religion, you have a clear sabbath, a day of rest and reflection. If you do not practice a religion, it is still okay to have a designated time when your family is effectively “offline” –protected family time when you and your kids are not going to be available to attend games or rehearsals, playdates or even birthday parties. Even if you have no special plans at home, it is okay to have a clear boundary around the family schedule.
8. Say no to any sport or activity that will dominate the family schedule
We all want to give our kids opportunities for growth and enrichment, but children need a lot less of that than the current trend. Even if your child has begged and pleaded over time to be on the traveling soccer team or the dance team that has practices six days a week, trust that doing the activity a couple times a week will help them develop skills and still give them choices later on. Likewise, if you are committed to family dinners, help your child find activities that meet in the afternoon. No one learning experience is more important than the benefit of coming together daily as a family.
9. Say no to putting the individual child over the family as a whole
Yes, we want to do our best by our children, but our best does not mean running ourselves ragged. Unless the benefit of sacrificing for a child is measurably needed (like the only program serving children with autism is an hour’s drive and you have a child with autism), then make decisions that will reduce the stress of the whole family. Let’s say the private school on the other side of town is only 20% better than the local public school: Consider the added benefit of having friends in the neighborhood and maybe being able to walk or bike to school rather than sitting in traffic every day. If the better school means you’ll never be able to leave work for a concert or special presentation, is it worth it? Keeping logistical stress low helps families meet each other with more patience and bandwidth for positive engagement.
10. Say no to Guilt
Guilt is a useful emotion for having us check in with whether we are living by our values and have we considered the impact of our choices on all family members. If the answer to both those things is yes, then it is time to let go of guilt. Making parenting decisions from a place of guilt (which is often just masking fear) never works as well as making a decision from clearly articulated principles. It does not serve our energy or confidence to second guess our decisions. Naturally, we cannot give our children everything at once—any more than we can “have it all”—so make the best decision you can and then trust that no matter what you decide, your child is going to get some benefit from it.